Sexy Flamenco, Sixth-Form Disco: Previewing Tottenham vs. Manchester City

When Tottenham host Manchester City at White Hart Lane on Sunday afternoon, it will be a clash between the last two undefeated sides in the Premier League. Both teams have played attractive football this season, both are packed full of bright young talent, and both look capable of achieving their ambitions for the coming campaign. More than anything, however, both of them have dark, rugged, handsome managers, each of them exuding a taciturn machismo which is deeply compelling and, in a semi-erotic sense, hard to ignore.

While the initial excitement of his arrival might have worn off at this point, the nation is still enthralled by the irresistible masculinity of Pep Guardiola. He is the quiet man, the tactical mastermind, Rodin's The Thinker but with a magnificent, polished dome for a head. He has swaggered his way into English football, taken maximum points from his first six games and left us all worshipping at his feet in the process. With his sharp suits, his snake hips and his gorgeous cashmere jumpers, he is every football fan's repressed fantasy. Oh, what we would do to touch those cashmere jumpers. Oh, what we would do to run our fingertips across those slender fibers, across that extremely fine, woollen chest.

Though Mauricio Pochettino has been around far longer than Guardiola, and is therefore less immediately enthralling, he is probably Pep's closest counterpart in that he is a man of few words and much tactical nous. Together, they are like a pair of matadors, proud, surly and capable of producing the most magnificent flourish. This weekend, they will dance the flamenco together, rhythmically striding their technical areas as their teams thrash it out before their very eyes. Whoever emerges victorious, we guarantee that the nation's football fans will be left swooning. That stubble. That charisma. Those cashmere jumpers. Christ, the football doesn't even matter at this point, we just want to see them strutting their stuff by the side of the pitch.

With the game likely to be a frenetic spectacle – both Tottenham and City have been stylish in attack so far this season, even if their defensive work still leaves a little to be desired – the action on the pitch should reflect the torrid atmosphere on the sidelines. In that sense, the match looks set to be a hair-on-end affair, a feeling which will only be heightened by the silky Spanish-Argentine flair of Nolito, Sergio Aguero, David Silva, Erik Lamela and the like. Still, if all of that sounds a bit sexually intimidating, then fear not. In amongst all that seductive talent, there'll still be Dele Alli, John Stones and Eric Dier – good, honest, English lads who'd look right at home wearing ill-fitting, buttoned-down polo tops at an extremely awkward sixth-form disco, as opposed to full-body catsuits at a sultry flamenco dancehall.