The VICE Guide to Right Now

These New Nutrient Patties Will Free You from the Shackles of Food

Eating is a bleak and vicious circle. Thankfully, MealSquares are here to save us.

by River Donaghey
May 11 2015, 2:38pm

Watch 'Life After Food'

I've never gotten pleasure from food. Eating has always felt like a supreme waste of time and money with no lasting benefit. Forced to shove shit down my gullet routinely for the rest of time, I find it a bleak and vicious circle. I eat, get full, then have to eat again.

Thank God for a few brave food scientists out there fighting the good fight, trying to come up with tasteless, nutritional pastes and powders that I can swallow down a few times every day and liberate myself from the prison of food. Soylent made a splash a few years ago, but it wasn't a big success and quickly faded from public view (watch intrepid VICE host Brian Merchant choke Soylent down in our documentary, Life After Food, above). Now, there's a new food replacement on the market—MealSquares.

MealSquares are made from eggs, oats, orange juice, sunflower seeds, and all sorts of other healthy shit that people used to eat before the invention of burritos. The company compresses all these vital nutrients down into a bread-like square, ready for human consumption. It sounds wonderful.

You can pre-order a month's worth of MealSquares for under $100 on their website, and the company swears they taste fine, not that I care much about that. Cars don't bitch and moan about the taste of their gasoline. Humans should follow suit.

Want Some In-Depth Stories About the Perils of Eating?

1. I Toured NYC's Least Hygienic Restaurants and They Were Delicious
2. Should Your Dog Be Vegan?
3. I Worked at Golden Corral, and It Was Disgusting
4. Expats Really Like to Drink in Front of Korean Convenience Stores

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