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Clyde's Corner - Why I'm Cooler Than You

VICE welcomes back Clyde's Corner. In his return, Clyde explains why he's cooler than you, why Street League is annoying, and why he doesn't have a girlfriend.

by Clyde Singleton
Jul 14 2012, 1:00pm

If you rode a skateboard in the 90s there's a strong chance your favorite company was owned by World Industries founder Steve Rocco. If you wore Hilfiger, skated in shell-toe Adidas, and your Polo hat was perfectly crooked, there's a good chance that company was 101. Founded and art-directed by legend Natas Kaupas, 101 always boasted the best graphics and freshest team. 101 also put Clyde Singleton into the spotlight, where he left his mark on skateboarding with a handful of memorable video parts and some of the most confrontational and funny articles ever printed in The Skateboard Mag. His beloved/despised column, Clyde's Corner, wasn't afraid to call bullshit on pros who only had three tricks, things in skateboarding that he felt were racist, or piss off hippies by making fun of pole jams and tree wallrides. Oh, and he fell off a bridge and almost died, too. 

These days Clyde is no longer pursuing professional skateboarding, but he's still got plenty of shit to say, so we are pleased welcome back Clyde’s Corner. 

Before we get started, lets get a few things straight. First off, I’m what some would call a “habitual line-stepper.” Secondly, I’d like to warn those of you at home my swagger levels are dangerously high. In closing, if I say anything about one of your friends and you don't like it, go listen to some Adele and cry in a dark corner. This column ain’t for weenies, crybabies, or general losers who get emotional and portray bad netiquette. (Yes, I just said “netiquette.”) With that, welcome to Clyde's Corner, where what I say goes, and what you say goes in a comment box. Let's get this thing going:

I Dont Have Instagram

I can really take photos and put them on a real gallery wall and get some real likes and money out of it, plus I'm a real nikka--so real, in fact, I spell it with two Ks. So real, I wrote this article in code on a clear pager. Nah, but for real, I can barely keep a phone for more than three months and my Facebook is still poppin’ so why would I get one? To be a trendy geek? No thanks, I’m cooler than that, remember?

Never Have/Will Own a Fixed-Gear Bike

What kinda nerd gets a bike you can’t pop a wheelie on and keep your legs straight at the same damn time? Y'all serious right now? When I ride bikes I picture myself chasing down the Karate Kid with a skeletal body suit and matching mask. That would be impossible to envision if I'm wearing some cheerleader-looking shoes and skinny jeans folded over and rolled up to my ankle like a missing character from Footloose.

I Don’t Have a Girlfriend

That’s right, I have girlfriends, multiple females  I lay down with from time to time and well…we do stuff. Ain’t no shame in my game. I live every man's dream and am every woman's fantasy, plus the perk to it is you never get dumped, just put on “time out” until they dump some other loser who's dumb enough to fall in love with 'em for a few weeks. Win/win situation for me. You mad Scooby?

I Watch Street League on Mute

Real talk: Felix is annoying as hell. How did that dude get that job? No seriously? Who trusts the words of a forty-something-year-old man who can’t grow a beard? Secondly, did I mention he was annoying? Dude's mumbling and just making up words as he goes along like a robbery victim. That's that shit I don't like. Between him and that goof-nugget who looks like a backup dancer in a 702 video who hosts Battle at the Berrics my head routinely wants to implode with any usage of volume while they’re on my screen.

Old People, Small Animals, and Kids Love Me

It is a universally known fact that if one of these three things likes you, you’re a good person. Multiply that times three, and well, Clyde for the win, although I have mushed a few kids upside the head, tried to leave my dog on the side of a state road because he shitted in my brand new Jeep, and don't like the smell of old people. In the grand scheme of things it doesn't really matter because they all like me. I'm like The Black Fonz, Crocodile Hunter, and Ed McMahon all rolled into one. Who don't love that?

@hustlemania