This is in no way to say that it won't happen before we die, and perhaps immediately at the moment before we die. But it seems unlikely that there may ever be an award show called the CEEBIES, in which CBS rents out a theater in Los Angeles, has its interns shampoo a red carpet and sets David Caruso up with a white tux and a garbage bag full of prescription meds so he'll host the thing, and then hands out some sort of barf-trophy to the saddest ostensibly comic moment in Two and a Half Men or the most surveillance-positive episode of CSI: Miami. This is only in part because CBS just cancelled CSI: Miami, and because Caruso won't wear anything but linen due to what he claims are legitimate allergies; it's mostly because a network hosting a meta-award show for itself, in prime time, is an awful idea. So awful, in fact, that ESPN has been doing it for two decades now.
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