How to Make Friends and Influence Homos (Into Sleeping with You)

Like any good homosexual with an iPhone and a propensity for indiscretion, I spend plenty of time on Grindr, the app that shows you other gay dudes in your immediate vicinity who are also looking for dick. In fact, if we're being honest, I'm in that bathhouse in your pocket 90 percent of the day. That said, familiarity breeds contempt, and there are a whole host of things about the way people behave on Grindr that make me angrier than that meth head I asked to use a condom that one time.

Here are ten abysmally common things I hope to never see again.

Girls

There is no bigger woodkill than looking at a picture of a sexy queer with some sweaty drunk girl draped over him like some fleshy poncho. I love my lady friends and have taken many fine photos with them, but I know they don't want to be involved in my trying to find some cheap ass in the neighborhood. In fact, unless you are part of a couple looking to explore, there really shouldn't be anyone else in any of the pictures you send out to strangers, even guys (especially if the guys are hotter than you).

A Litany of Rules

Just like everyone who uses it, Grindr is supposed to be fun and easy. What negates the fun and ease are those who have about 17 different requirements before you contact them. You must have a face pic, you must be so tall, you must be this age, and god forbid you be fat, femme, or Asian. Yes, this list usually includes at least a bit of casual racism, and the guy is usually really hot. Just because you get the pick of the litter doesn't mean you can be rude about it.

Asking for a Face Pic

This guy wants you to send a mug shot but is too chicken shit to put one up himself. Please, no one cares who you are and your job isn't that important. Everyone knows you're gay and a huge skank and they all probably assume you're slutting it up on Grindr anyway so you might as well be out and proud. Be the change you want to see in the world, asshole.

Not Looking

If you’re "not looking" then what are you doing on Grindr? You're at least looking at profiles. That's looking. You might even be chatting and making friends, but that is looking. We're all here looking for something. "Not looking" is like watching TV or hanging with your friends or watching a bunch of porn and beating your meat bloody. "Not looking" involves putting your phone down and getting on with your damn life. And you know that "not looking" guy will totally hook up with someone if that person is hot enough. "Not looking" really just means, "really picky and doesn't want to be bothered by you."

Saying Hi

The digital age has not made pick up lines obsolete, so when you initiate a conversation, try to do it with a question, compliment, or comment about something in someone's profile. Heck, even lead with "Better call God, because he's missing an angel." Anything other than "Hi." There is only one response to "hi" and that is another "hi" and then the first person asks: "How are you doing?" Why not skip the first “hi” and start with "How are you doing?" Isn't that easier? I have had enough conversations that consist of saying "hi" back and forth six times to last a lifetime. Imagine if someone did that to you in real life? You would think he were autistic or deranged, and you certainly wouldn't sleep with him—unless, of course, autistic and deranged is your thing.

Masc

This annoying abbreviated adjective has been a scourge of gay dating sites since the 90s. Listen, boys, we are all masculine. We all possess the necessary meat and potatoes down below to qualify as male. Your insistence on some heteronormative amount of gender typified behavior is pedestrian and probably based in some gross misogyny. And, I'm sorry, no one looks that "masc" with a dick in his mouth. Stop frontin'.

Inanimate Objects

That burger looks delicious to eat. But I'm not on Grindr because I want to eat burgers (and, honestly, anyone who eats burgers on the regular probably doesn't have the abs necessary to be popular on Grindr anyway). I am on Grindr because I want to eat ass. And dick. And maybe your face, but in a making out way, not a cannibal way. Show me one of those, please, not some other bullshit that has nothing to do with your body. The same goes for sunsets, traffic lights, statues, flowers, or any other picture that's not, you know, the person I'm typing to on a phone.

Your Instagram Handle

I'm on Grindr because I want to fuck you, not because I want to see the pictures you take of sunsets and cronut crumbs. Jesus.

Scruffalupagus

This is even more prevalent on Grindr's burly cousin, Scruff, but I am so sick of this pun. OK, we get it. You're hairy and butch and you have a beard and a weird nostalgic yen for Sesame Street. OK, fine. But your crappy pun isn't at all original. Imagine if everyone had the "How did the chicken get across the road?" joke on their profiles. That is basically what you are right now. You're the dating app equivalent of someone who says "cool beans" without irony.

No Picture

Sister, it is 2013. Everything has a camera: your phone, your laptop, your table device, your Google Glass, your toothbrush, the bottom of your shoe. Take a damn picture and put it on the internet. This isn't an AOL M4M chat room where people will come over your house based on your "stats" and hope for the best. We're beyond that. This is the future, and it has your face on it. I am not going to message you, and if you message me the first thing I am going to say is, "Where the fuck is your picture, asshole?" so just put it up there and save us all the hassle.

Previously - At the World's Gayest Party - Life Ball 2013

@BrianJMoylan