Health

Watch Stephen Colbert Put Goop in its Place

“I hope that GP stands for general practitioner, because there really should be a doctor present when you stick rocks up your hoo-ha.”

by Ed Cara
Jun 22 2017, 6:27pm

Goop, Gwyneth's Paltrow's lifestyle company and perennial punching bag, has finally gotten the Colbert treatment.

Colbert, who never shies away from taking on charlatans, wasn't kind towards Goop's latest endeavor, the "In Goop Health" wellness summit held earlier this month in Los Angeles.

"Which is better than the original title," he said: "'Fill Your Body With Goop.'"

Colbert went on to lampoon the summit's offerings—which included "crystal therapy," "aura photography," and luxurious sound baths where you can "sink into the sounds of crystal singing bowls."

"You can get the same effect from flushing your money down a crystal toilet bowl," he said.

The CBS late night host left no jade vagina egg unturned, delineating the exorbitant cost of getting Gooped on—such as the $1500 "Clear Quartz" level of membership that earned the most flush Goopers a lunch with "GP."

"I hope that GP stands for general practitioner," Colbert said, "because there really should be a doctor present when you stick rocks up your hoo-ha."

Goop CEO Gwyneth Paltrow, of course, isn't the only celebrity promoting dubious health treatments. As Tonic reported in February, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is also laying the foundation for a performance wellness brand, TB 12, that promotes fad diets and questionable supplements tied to junk science.

In recent months, the celeb bunk has piled up so high that high-profile doctors and scientists have joined late night hosts like Colbert in mocking the offerings. As gynecologist Jen Gunter, a tireless Goop-buster, put it recently: "Same goopshit, different packaging."

For his part, Colbert used the segment to "debut" his own celebrity lifestyle brand: Covetton House, which promised "baroque simplicity" and "shabby elegance" (so long as you give him money).

Colbert also crafted his own Goop-inspired summit: All's Health That Ends Wealth. Instead of useless IV drips, Covetton offers celebrity blood transfusions, courtesy of Zac Efron. And for the men who want to put a spark back into their yoni, they can get an "organic gravel scrotal abrasion" followed by a "soothing massage from Gary, our unlicensed Shaman, who will open up your nether regions' pores by exhaling menthol smoke over them." (FYI, In Goop Health really did have a resident shaman).

Parodying the heart of Goop's business mantra, Colbert's pitch closed out with a fitting reminder: "Nothing is more important than your wellness," he said, "except for my wealthness."

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