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What Kind of Assholes Stole This $4,000 Inflatable Colon?

The University of Kansas Cancer Center would really like it back.

by River Donaghey
Oct 22 2018, 3:46pm

Images via #benchtobedside/Twitter account @GYRIG

Update (10/29): The cops recovered the stolen colon. Still no word on who might have taken it, though.

The University of Kansas Cancer Center has lost a colon, and it'd really, really, really like it back. Last week, some dastardly thieves stole the Cancer Center's giant, inflatable colon worth a whopping $4,000 from the back of a pickup in Kansas City, the Wichita Eagle reports. Between this and that giant nose someone picked off a porch in Portland last week, it looks like some crooks out there might be well on their way to putting together a full body.

The colon was on its way to a local fun run, where the Cancer Coalition was planning to use it to teach some joggers about colon cancer. Unfortunately, the participants will have to find some other, less fun and significantly grosser ways to learn about gut health from now on.

"Colorectal cancer screening is the most powerful weapon we have against colorectal cancer," the Cancer Center's surgical oncologist John Ashcraft said in a statement. "Colon cancer is a tough subject for many to talk about and the giant, 150 pound, ten foot long inflatable colon is a great conversation starter."

It's unclear why, exactly, some crooks would steal a massive, blow-up colon, since there are probably cheaper and less disgusting conversation starters out there that don't involve ripping off a college cancer lab. Are they worried about their own risk of colon cancer and hoping a close inspection of the inner workings of the gut will improve their chances? Are they throwing some kind of really fucked up party? If they were hoping they could use this as a makeshift bouncy house, they will be sorely disappointed once they get the thing blown up.

The Cancer Center has already started trying to raise the funds to replace the colon, but as of now, they're still pretty far from their final goal. Hopefully the colon robbers will realize the importance of spreading cancer awareness to the masses and find it in their hearts to return the original. If they really want to hang out in a giant gut, they should just go drink some wine inside that big anus in Belgium and call it good.

If you live in Kansas City and happen to notice a big, pink, veiny balloon thing pop up in your neighbor's backyard or whatever, give the police a ring. The University of Kansas Cancer Center staff will be forever in your debt, and they're probably good people to have on your side.

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