Illustrations by Brandon Celi

People Told Us the Dumbest Ways They Ever Hurt Themselves in Six Words

“Cut penis while trimming pubic hair.”

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Jun 29 2018, 3:23pm

Illustrations by Brandon Celi

Hurting yourself sucks. And it sucks all the more when you do it in a freakish or insanely stupid way. Literal insult added to the injury. We asked friends and co-workers about the nuttiest way they’ve hurt themselves. Here’s what they said. Get ready to cringe. (Damn, Ben.)

“Tortilla chip stabbed wisdom tooth socket.” - Elizabeth, 29

“Drunk Donkey Kong; keg on stairs.” - Rachel, 33

"Both nips pierced by sadistic piercer." - Anna, 23

“I stabbed myself feeding my dog.” - Rebecca, 33

"Drunkenly flipped over handrail in nosebleeds." - Drew, 25

"Cannonballed off bench onto hard ground." - Beckett, 25

“Cut penis while trimming pubic hair.” - Ben, 42

“Fell from a hammock. Broke ankle.” - Rachael, 34

"Punctured head with doll on Christmas." - Lia, 28

"Wound healed with gauze fused inside." - Allie, 28

“Concussion from hitting forehead with barbell.” - Sarah, 30

“Severed tendons cutting umbrella tag off.” - Keri, 47

“Drunk sledding during a blizzard.” - Michael, 35

X-ray of Michael's foot after he "Rented a scooter with zero experience."

"Rented a scooter with zero experience." - Michael, 34 (See photo above.)

“Fell in the same hole twice.” - Jaime, 33

"Loud headphones, got mugged, broke arm." - Peter, 23

"Severed fingertip while printing school assignment." - Meredith, 26

“Tore finger cartilage while grabbing TP.” - Betty, 39

“Chipped my tooth juggling billiard balls.” - Oscar, 35

“Glass on bedroom floor, bloody footprints.” - Liz, 29

“Made iced tea naked; jar exploded.” - Ellie, 34


“Crashed bike into a parked car.” - Cole, 31

“Cut my nose on toilet seat.” - Jo Anna, 33

“Bruised shoulder drunk-vaulting parking meters.” - Roman, 44

“Turning over in my own bed.” - Whitney, 36

“Dislocated my shoulder chasing a dog.” - Erin, 34

“Cut hand washing pair of scissors.” - Beth, 33

“Black eye from dancing too hard.” - Kylie, 34

“Fell asleep outside. Second degree burns.” - Ellie, 34

“Slipped on ice imitating a penguin.” - Joel, 39

“Cut my eyebrow while mud wrestling.” - Jen, 32

“Choked on hard candy at opera.” - Pete, 35

“Bruised foot at Steve Aoki concert.” - Alana, 23

“Poked my throat playing a violin.” - Olivia, 34

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