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Sex

Statistically Speaking, Someone Is Going to Have Sex in the Cybertruck

Would you let a horny billionaire hit it in this thing?

by Harron Walker
Nov 22 2019, 8:31pm

Photo by Frederick J. Brown/AFP via Getty Images

Elon Musk unveiled the Tesla Cybertruck on Thursday night, per the Associated Press. The vehicle, set to go into production between 2021 and 2022, marks the electric car company’s entrée into the lucrative pickup truck market, though, with its severe angles and broad planes, it looks more like something the original PlayStation had trouble fully rendering in 1997.

Looking at this doorstopper-shaped hunk of stainless steel, you’re probably wondering how unbreakable its supposedly unbreakable windows are, or whether it will hasten the class war. But we must ask the most important question of all: Does anyone wanna fuck in the back seat of this car?

After transportation, a car’s most vital societal function is arguably giving everyone from horny teens to closeted gays to unfaithful spouses a relatively safe place to do it outside the bedroom. Nearly 85 percent of Americans say they’ve hooked up in a vehicle, and that tracks across generations from Boomers to Gen X and Millennials. Could the Tesla Cybertruck be the latest car to play host to shameful, embarrassing, humiliating, 42-second, foggy-windowed first times?

By my estimation: Perhaps! I took a quick informal poll on Twitter dot com, and at press time, found that 34 percent of respondents would go all the way in the back seat of the Cybertruck, while 55 percent would do mouth and hand stuff only. Practically speaking, Tesla’s pickup also seems pretty amenable to sweaty, body fluid-spilling activities as its interiors appear to be leather—way easier to clean up than nylon or polyester.

So, theoretically? Yes, I think a lot of people would like to have sex and possibly get pregnant or at least mouth- and/or butt-pregnant in the back of a Cybertruck. In practice, though, I don’t think anyone except for Elon Musk and his paranoid, bunker-building billionaire friends will want to own one of these “armored personnel carriers from the future.” Make the most of it while you can, guys!

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Tagged:
cars
Tesla
elon musk
cybertruck