Original image via Twitter/Doug Ford; art by Noel Ransome
From the first announcement that Doug Ford promised dollar beers as part of his campaign, it sounded like one of those things you say during an election, but don’t really mean.But Premier Doug Ford proved once again that he knows how to own the libs, and on Tuesday morning he confirmed he would introduce legislation to bring back “buck-a-beer.” The planned move would lower the minimum price of both cans and bottles of beer by Labour Day weekend. (The current minimum is at $1.25 a beer, which virtually no one sells their beer at. Even Laker Lager sells for $2!)Ford has been mum on the details, but says his government’s plan will include advertising and promotional incentives at the LCBO for breweries that lower their prices."Nobody is being forced to lower their prices, and there will be no subsidies or tax handouts," Ford told reporters at a brewery in Picton, Ontario.Meanwhile, the president of Ontario Craft Brewers, Scott Simmons, threw some shade on the kind of beer that would likely be sold at a dollar.“I'd be interested to see what's actually in the product that they're selling at that price," he told CBC News. "It can't be very good, let me put it that way."Anyway, since there’s lots of things we’d rather have for a dollar over a crap lager, we came up with some other dollar store ideas Doug Ford should run with.Buck-a-School-Lunch
How about instead of getting us all wasted, you feed the children? Look, if you don’t pack your own lunch every day for work, it can get expensive very quickly. So, Mr. Ford, why don’t you offer your “incentives” to some stores and restaurants to start selling buck-a-lunches? At the very least, why not make buck-a-lunch in school cafeterias for the young bucks? Think about it—at most places a beer and a smallish lunch run about the same prices: eight to 10 bucks. So it’s honestly not all that different from the buck-a-beer plan, right? Right! The biggest difference between these two is that one feeds the hungry and the other just gets the population all weepy and fighty. —Mack LamoureuxBuck-a-Data-Plan
Everyone knows data plans in Canada are a rip off. I regularly go over my 10 gigs a month and have to pay overage fees. Why do I need that much data, you ask? I honestly am not sure. Mostly I just use Spotify and Netflix, but I have a suspicion that a lot of my apps are running in the background. The solution to this problem is not for me to be more efficient about how I’m using my phone. It is for unlimited data to be available for $1. Think of the Millennial/Gen-Z vote! —Manisha KrishnanBuck-an-American-Dollar
Do you remember the last time the exchange rate wasn't abysmal? The last time you got $300 US out for your long-awaited, meticulously planned weekend trip to New York City and it wasn't nearly $500 Canadian? You keep telling yourself, It has to get better. I'm sure it will turn around by the next time I visit the States. It won’t. I just looked up the last time the dollar was on par, and believe me: You don’t want to know. Accept that the only things superior about Canadian money is its colourful appearance and the material it’s made of. It’s time we all the get the dollar we deserve—the American dollar. —Allison TierneyBuck-a-Netflix
When I first signed up for Netflix in the year 2010, I believe it only cost $7.99 for unlimited streaming. Sure, the selection wasn’t great, and Netflix hadn’t yet gotten into the original content game. But at $7.99, it only cost the same as a fancy pint. Recently, I needed to start a new account and was just aghast to learn that I’ll be spending $10.99 a month to re-watch The Office (US). Then I started thinking: Which character would Doug Ford be on The Office? Clearly, there is a case that’s he’s Michael. Is buck-a-beer not just Scott’s Tots all over again? But also, he’s kind of an Andy, mixed with a bit of Todd Packer. Anyway, surely $1-a-month Netflix would be sufficient enough to distract all of us from whatever Doug Ford is planning. —Josh VisserBuck-a-Fare
Public transit in Toronto (where people really, really love their cars) is plagued with problems, and it still costs $3.25 to ride, making skimping on fares and coming up with an excuse for the driver a favourite pastime of Torontonians. With more public investment in transit, both of these issues can be alleviated, making public transit really serve the public, definitely more than beer. —Jordan Pearson
Buck-a-Nug
A gram of weed still costs $10 on the low end of the scale. With cannabis legalization upon us, let’s get real about what intoxicating substance Canadians really want for a dollar. — All of us.Buck-a-Pack-of-Cigarettes
Cigarettes in Canada are among the most expensive in the world. Those of us who have been at this for a while have paid more than our fair share in taxes—and social isolation. Give us a break for once. —Manisha KrishnanBuck-a-Dental-Plan
For those of us who don’t have our dental plans covered (or at least partially covered) by our employers, a trip to the dentist can leave you broke. In the past, I’ve been one of those people. Some of us had to skip going to the dentist for years just because we couldn’t afford it. So, what I’m saying here is, having a subsided buck-a-dental-plan could change lives. Think of the smiles, Mr. Ford… Think of the smiles. —Mack LamoureuxBuck-a-Haircut
Getting a cheap, simple haircut in Toronto is, how you say, a nightmare. There is already a limited enclave of barber shops in the city that are equipped to cut black hair (well). And, aside from the cranial pain and emasculation of having your scalp gripped by an impatient barber, the cost of the most basic form of self-care (ie. not looking like a total mess) is one that keeps me in baseball caps literally year round (yes, that includes the winter). Unlike the premier of Ontario, a little gel and confidence just doesn’t do the trick for me. I would take a dollar walk-in haircut over a $30 line-up any day. Also, I don’t even drink beer. —Connor GarelBuck-a-Square-Your-Free-Market-Conservative-Values-with-Government-Intervention-into-an-Industry-Because-You-Think-It’s-an-Election-Winner
Cost of an obvious bread and circus ploy to win over suburban dads with backyards? TBD. Cost of passing a pointless promotional exercise while cancelling a basic income pilot that could change lives and interfering with Toronto’s municipal election because of revenge reasons? Priceless.Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.
Advertisement
How about instead of getting us all wasted, you feed the children? Look, if you don’t pack your own lunch every day for work, it can get expensive very quickly. So, Mr. Ford, why don’t you offer your “incentives” to some stores and restaurants to start selling buck-a-lunches? At the very least, why not make buck-a-lunch in school cafeterias for the young bucks? Think about it—at most places a beer and a smallish lunch run about the same prices: eight to 10 bucks. So it’s honestly not all that different from the buck-a-beer plan, right? Right! The biggest difference between these two is that one feeds the hungry and the other just gets the population all weepy and fighty. —Mack Lamoureux
Advertisement
Everyone knows data plans in Canada are a rip off. I regularly go over my 10 gigs a month and have to pay overage fees. Why do I need that much data, you ask? I honestly am not sure. Mostly I just use Spotify and Netflix, but I have a suspicion that a lot of my apps are running in the background. The solution to this problem is not for me to be more efficient about how I’m using my phone. It is for unlimited data to be available for $1. Think of the Millennial/Gen-Z vote! —Manisha KrishnanBuck-an-American-Dollar
Do you remember the last time the exchange rate wasn't abysmal? The last time you got $300 US out for your long-awaited, meticulously planned weekend trip to New York City and it wasn't nearly $500 Canadian? You keep telling yourself, It has to get better. I'm sure it will turn around by the next time I visit the States. It won’t. I just looked up the last time the dollar was on par, and believe me: You don’t want to know. Accept that the only things superior about Canadian money is its colourful appearance and the material it’s made of. It’s time we all the get the dollar we deserve—the American dollar. —Allison TierneyBuck-a-Netflix
When I first signed up for Netflix in the year 2010, I believe it only cost $7.99 for unlimited streaming. Sure, the selection wasn’t great, and Netflix hadn’t yet gotten into the original content game. But at $7.99, it only cost the same as a fancy pint. Recently, I needed to start a new account and was just aghast to learn that I’ll be spending $10.99 a month to re-watch The Office (US). Then I started thinking: Which character would Doug Ford be on The Office? Clearly, there is a case that’s he’s Michael. Is buck-a-beer not just Scott’s Tots all over again? But also, he’s kind of an Andy, mixed with a bit of Todd Packer. Anyway, surely $1-a-month Netflix would be sufficient enough to distract all of us from whatever Doug Ford is planning. —Josh Visser
Advertisement
Public transit in Toronto (where people really, really love their cars) is plagued with problems, and it still costs $3.25 to ride, making skimping on fares and coming up with an excuse for the driver a favourite pastime of Torontonians. With more public investment in transit, both of these issues can be alleviated, making public transit really serve the public, definitely more than beer. —Jordan Pearson
A gram of weed still costs $10 on the low end of the scale. With cannabis legalization upon us, let’s get real about what intoxicating substance Canadians really want for a dollar. — All of us.Buck-a-Pack-of-Cigarettes
Cigarettes in Canada are among the most expensive in the world. Those of us who have been at this for a while have paid more than our fair share in taxes—and social isolation. Give us a break for once. —Manisha KrishnanBuck-a-Dental-Plan
For those of us who don’t have our dental plans covered (or at least partially covered) by our employers, a trip to the dentist can leave you broke. In the past, I’ve been one of those people. Some of us had to skip going to the dentist for years just because we couldn’t afford it. So, what I’m saying here is, having a subsided buck-a-dental-plan could change lives. Think of the smiles, Mr. Ford… Think of the smiles. —Mack LamoureuxBuck-a-Haircut
Getting a cheap, simple haircut in Toronto is, how you say, a nightmare. There is already a limited enclave of barber shops in the city that are equipped to cut black hair (well). And, aside from the cranial pain and emasculation of having your scalp gripped by an impatient barber, the cost of the most basic form of self-care (ie. not looking like a total mess) is one that keeps me in baseball caps literally year round (yes, that includes the winter). Unlike the premier of Ontario, a little gel and confidence just doesn’t do the trick for me. I would take a dollar walk-in haircut over a $30 line-up any day. Also, I don’t even drink beer. —Connor GarelBuck-a-Square-Your-Free-Market-Conservative-Values-with-Government-Intervention-into-an-Industry-Because-You-Think-It’s-an-Election-Winner
Cost of an obvious bread and circus ploy to win over suburban dads with backyards? TBD. Cost of passing a pointless promotional exercise while cancelling a basic income pilot that could change lives and interfering with Toronto’s municipal election because of revenge reasons? Priceless.Sign up for the VICE Canada Newsletter to get the best of VICE Canada delivered to your inbox.