Despite all their rage they are still just some twats in a cage.
For most consumers here in the United $tate$, there is no better time to stock up on $2 waffle makers and discount cleaning supplies than the Friday after Thanksgiving. Black Friday is the one day out of the whole year when you can not only buy your mace at Wal-Mart, but you can use it on your fellow shoppers, too. After all the chaos of the day, it was a refreshing relief to finally get out that evening, grab a beer, and watch some morons pretend to knock the shit out of other morons as yet more morons watched and cheered.
Resistance Pro Wrestling is the latest adventure embarked upon by our favorite bald man from the 1990s, Billy Corgan. Acting as the creative director behind the scenes of Resistance Pro, Corgan is hoping to return wrestling to its halcyon days of the early 90s when it was still fake but more people seemed to give a shit. They held their first event the day after Thanksgiving, cunningly deciding to bill it as "Black Friday." Below is a firsthand account of everything I tried to avoid when I was 12 years old.
Bam! One of the Briscoe Brothers slams Teddy Hart!
As you can tell, it got off to a pretty fast start. As you can also probably tell, the designated arena was as big as your backyard pool. This actually worked to the event's advantage, because the wrestlers were able to simultaneously drink your beer while climbing up the balcony to perform a diving elbow drop thing. Often this led to the audience finding themselves in the thick of the action, and thus in the thick of their own wet dreams.
Pow! Cheerleader Melissa lays down a body slam on Serenity!
Melissa takes a breather. Not only did she beat down Serenity, she could also kick the asses of 90 percent of the guys in the room.
Fog effects are the key to any legitimate event. Just the right amount of fog and it feels like you are at a Kiss concert in Detroit, too much fog and even a crowd of wrestling fans are wondering why the fuck they are there.
Shit! It's Colt Cabana!
The event took place in Chicago’s Excalibur Nightclub, a place that was named Chicago's best entertainment venue by a local magazine in 1999. Maybe that's why Ryan Gosling showed up? Oh wait, sorry, that's "Colt Cabana." Is that Billy making a reference to "Kurt Cobain"? Whatever, nice jacket "Colt," sure doesn't remind me of any other jacket I've seen in a film recently or anything.
This man showed up in a mask, pretending to be a Mexican.
Wow! Who's he?
I have no idea, but he sure was angry about something.
I wonder what this guy’s LinkedIn looks like.
Nap time came early for these two. The last time they were this close to another man is the reason they go to the gym so much.
This guy was called "Hallowikid." He was actually "hella-lame." Let's see how great you feel about your life in March, Hallowikid.
These bros are pretty into it. On a side note, since when has a gong been typical for this type of event?
I'm sure this was a really important part of the narrative but I was too busy trying to stifle a boner to concentrate. Why?
Yowzer! It's Sassy Stephie!
Yes, Sassy Stephie. The woman who knows that the ankle is far more taboo than the thigh.
Some other girl getting her head stomped.
There weren't very many women in the crowd, however.
Fuck! Some guy died!
So there you have it. Billy Corgan has created a new wrestling league in Chicago, and if you wanna check it out for yourself go to their next event in January.
PHOTOS: TODD DIEDERICH
WORDS: KEVIN CAMPS