The Hottest New Wellness Trend Is: Plague

My Eighva is a creative, free-willed kindergartner, and she deserves bubonic plague.

by Harron Walker
Nov 18 2019, 7:20pm

Photo via Getty Images

With the year coming to a close, I’ve been reading up on all the new wellness trends to set a good example for my Eighva. How can she grow up to be a big, strong girlboss without a strong female role model encouraging her to take charge of her personal wellness, lean in, and nevertheless persist? Anyway, as we enter the new decade, there are a bunch of trends that we should leave behind, according to Yahoo! Lifestyle, like keto and CBD. (Bad news for those 12 pairs of CBD leggings I just bought!) And some things we’re picking up, like plague, which I know sounds unusual, but it’s starting to become a thing, per CNN!

An unidentified hunter in China’s northern Inner Mongolia province was diagnosed with bubonic plague this weekend, and nearly 30 people have been quarantined. This news comes only a week after two people were reported to have gotten the plague’s pneumonic varietal. Sure, the people who contracted this and were quarantined did so unwillingly, but I wouldn't be the president of my local Nextdoor chapter if I didn't believe in turning a bad thing that people willingly avoid into a hot new trend for myself and the other parents at Horse & Harbor Country Day!

That said, I’m not sure I understand the wellness benefits of the plague, which was responsible for wiping out 50 million people in Europe during the 14th century. But I also don’t understand how snail slime makes my face skin look younger, which it does, I think! It certainly couldn’t be worse than measles, which I thought was a hot new wellness trend earlier this year but was actually just the disease, measles.

If you want to get into bubonic, the World Health Organization recommends hanging around infected fleas so the fleas will bite you and transfer the plague over to you. If you think you’re more of a pneumonic kinda gal, let someone with pneumonic plague cough in your mouth! Pneumonic plague is “fatal if left untreated” with side effects like coughing up blood and vomiting. So, it looks like it helps your body eliminate toxins, like when I do a round of activated charcoal digestive treatments. If I can’t clear it myself, how can I ever expect my Eighva to respect me as a woman?

Why try to get the plague if you’re only going to try to un-get it? It would be like getting married only to keep a packed suitcase underneath the bed you share with your husband filled with everything you’d need to fake your death, flee the country, and escape the confines of marriage forever. But what do I know? To wellness, ladies!

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