First, there was the bloodthirsty squirrel uprising, then the "zombie" raccoon outbreak, and now, it looks like another member of the animal kingdom is gearing up to fight back against us puny humans. But this time, thankfully, they're apparently a little too wasted to do any real damage.
According to the Washington Post, shitfaced birds have started wreaking drunken terror on the Minnesota town of Gilbert. They're flying straight into moving cars, making suicidal dives into windows, and staggering around the streets like they've found their way into some kind of terrible Alfred Hitchcock remake—all thanks to some rotten berries.
"The Gilbert Police Department has received several reports of birds that appear to be ‘under the influence’ flying into windows, cars and acting confused," the department wrote in a Facebook postearlier this week. "The reason behind this occurrence is certain berries we have in our area have fermented earlier than usual due to an early frost, which in turn has expedited the fermenting process."
"Oh my! That explains all the birds bouncing off my window lately," one Facebook user commented on the post.
"I had to slam on the breaks today for a pigeon flying directly at my windshield," another added.
According to the Gilbert PD, the early frost isn't the only thing causing the massive influx of drunk-ass birds—the issue is also compounded by the fact that most of the town's bird population hasn't migrated south as usual, probably because they're having too much fun getting wasted and fucking with Minnesota townspeople. Let's just hope they don't graduate from rotten berries to the hard stuff, though.
"There is no need to call law enforcement about these birds as they should sober up within a short period of time," the statement continued.
It sounds like there's not much anyone can do about the onslaught of rowdy, hammered birds aside from just letting them sleep it off. In the meantime, the people of Gilbert should probably drive a little more cautiously, seeing as how a wasted bird could dive-bomb their windshields at any moment. Get your wire coat hangers ready.
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