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The Brutal Truths of Dating a Capricorn

A control freak in the streets and a freak-freak in the sheets

by Danny Larkin
Nov 1 2018, 6:12pm

Illustration by Cathryn Virginia

"Signs of Love" is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin breaks down what it's like to date each zodiac sign.

Earth sign Capricorn will draw you in with their dark jokes oozing with wit, sarcasm, and irony. They’ll have you cracking up as they take digs at the mediocrity of the world or playfully call out someone’s weak spots. People born in the sign of the sea goat will impress you with their earnestness and gravitas—then leave you delightfully surprised when they cut in with a vulgar joke to break the serious vibe they created themselves! If the mix of funny venting, hard work, and naughty jokes intrigues you, consider wooing a Capricorn.

When taking a Cap on a date, don’t pick a new restaurant. Capricorns are ruled by Saturn, a planet of structure and antiquity, so choose an old establishment with staying power like a historic restaurant or bar, or somewhere with a rich history like a park or museum. If conversation turns to work, tell a story about taking on a big, challenging project. Nothing earns a Capricorn’s admiration quicker than showing you can put in the work—that you can handle weight on your shoulders and hunker down when you need to.

When you’re planning your date look, bear in mind that Capricorns need some reassurance that you have your shit together. If it’s a weekday, go in your best work clothes or a sharp, tailored fit. Showing you can dress the part is key to impressing a Capricorn: If you’re going on a true dinner date, veer on the formal side; if you’re grabbing casual drinks, wear a smart, all-black look. Avoid ragged-looking clothes on Capricorn dates in general, but definitely avoid items that are unintentionally distressed!

Be prepared for the strange ways Capricorns flirt. If they like you, there’s a good chance they’ll get very silly later later in the date or start cracking lewd jokes. The contrast between their fourth-grade humor and the way Caps takes themselves almost painfully seriously will be jarring. It puzzles all of us! But it’s a Capricorn’s way of making you giggle, subtly conveying that they want to bring you joy and interact with you as more than just another connection in their vast professional network. To win over a Capricorn, it’s crucial to have witty comebacks stocked like arrows in your quiver—they’ll go straight to Capricorn’s heart as if shot by Cupid himself!

Though Capricorns are famous hard workers, they’ve also earned the reputation of being secret freaks. They’re ruled by Saturn, a planet that’s often reduced to a rule-obsessed hardass—but people often forget that in ancient Rome, people celebrated Saturn with a Mardi Gras-like celebration that was all about breaking rules and reversing roles. During the Saturnalia festival, all work and business was suspended, moral restrictions were eased, and people had the freedom to do and say what they liked. Similarly, Capricorn counters their hard work with hard play, and love enforcing rules in the streets as much as they like breaking them between the sheets. Sex is one of the few instances where Capricorns feel free to let their hair down and not adhere to conventions, so it’s crucial to remain non-judgmental when they open up their hidden fantasies to you.

If you’re lucky enough to fall in love with a Capricorn, you’re going to benefit from a partner that never stops working at the relationship: They’ll quickly buy you a toothbrush when you start spending the night more often, they’ll love doing chores with you, and they’ll devote hours to giving you the best career advice. When a Capricorn loves you, they’re fully on your team, willing to work just as hard for your successes as they do for their own.

On the flip side, the most difficult part of dating a Capricorn is helping them see that there’s more to romance and intimacy than being a taskmaster. Saturn, the planet of rules, responsibility, and structure can sometimes lead Caps astray in this arena. Capricorns run into trouble by believing or saying things like “suck it up” or “work through it”—because even when these adages are true, they aren’t effective in situations that require compassion, empathy, or vulnerability. Capricorns need to learn that it’s better to just share a story about a time they faced a similar struggle, and reassure their partner that everything will be okay.

If you need to break up with a Capricorn, be prepared to hear a laundry list of grievances. These earth signs tend to cope by telling you everything that’s wrong with you instead of taking responsibility for any mistakes they’ve made. They’ll reflexively respond to every criticism with vague statements about being so bogged down by their job that they just don’t have the energy for your needs at the end of the day. The best thing you can do is plainly explain that work isn’t an excuse to neglect human decency or emotional intimacy, and that they’re fired from the job of being your partner.

If you’re in it for the long haul with a Capricorn, make it a point to do chores with them even if you don’t live together yet—they’ll find this extremely endearing! Get good at hearing them vent about work, and hone in on the unique brand of humor that help them loosen up. And enjoy the game of trying to get ahead in life together! There are few things more incredible than knowing a hard-working Capricorn has your back in life and love.

What's in the stars for you in November? Read your monthly horoscope here.

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