The Science of Urine Taught Me the Art of Making Wine

This story was originally published in French on MUNCHIES FR in September 2016.

After a bet with fellow urologists one well-lubricated evening, I decided—despite all their snickering—to plant vines in my yard, in the Brabant Ardennes on a sloping patch of land.

My name is Reinier Opsomer. I'm a sexologist and urologist at the UCL Hospital in Brussels. I chose this profession because every aspect of the work fascinates me. I like to observe reproduction, liquids, currents. I like asking patients to piss in a cup so I can figure out what's wrong with their nervous system.

I love the science behind urine. After several years in practice, however, I needed something more, something outside of work that would still be tied to my area of expertise: urodynamic testing.

Urodynamic testing is a medical exam that assesses how the urinary system is functioning. I found that little extra something in the world of wine, which, to my mind, has a lot in common with urology.

You care for vines the way you care for a patient. You perform a clinical exam by studying the leaves; you establish a diagnosis, lay out a treatment plan, and prevent disease. You go about a vineyard like you would a hospital. The only thing missing is a human connection.

In the 90s, I made the leap and apprenticed in Huy, Belgium, to learn the trade and become a winemaker. I became one of the first people to own vines in Walloon Brabant. Since then, I approach vines just like I approach patients in my office: I talk to my grapes, confer with the branches, press the sacks—I mean clusters—of fruit in order to examine their juices and come up with a diagnosis.

To me, a vine is phallic. No wonder it has symbolized the penis since the dawn of time. Adam uses one of its leaves to hide his sex organs, for one, and the diseases that attack leaves look exactly like genital warts.

Just like winemakers, urologists have a number of tools at their disposal. Uroflowmetry, for example, allows you to measure incontinence—to see if someone has a normal flow and if their bladder is capable of holding in urine for long enough.

One liter per day is considered normal. If someone is above or below this threshold, they have incontinence.

The consumption of wine—red wine in particular—has health benefits, especially when it comes to the cardiovascular system. This is the famous "French Paradox." Dietitians today recommend drinking one to two glasses of red wine per day, but no more than that, otherwise all of the cardioprotective benefits are lost!

Wasn't Voltaire the one who said, "I know of nothing more serious than the art of winemaking"? That sentence is the guiding principle of all my theories and research, so much so that I've reformulated it for my purposes: "I know of nothing more serious than the art of urodynamics and winemaking."

As told to Hadrien Duré.