Food by VICE

This Week in Food Porn: Chocolate Sauce and Chicken Soup

Here are some of the most photogenic, organic, and panoramic dishes uploaded to Instagram this week.

by Nell Frizzell
Dec 10 2016, 10:00pm

Photo via Flickr user Personal Creations

Guys, we've nearly done it. We've nearly made it through what has been, by any measure, a monstrous kick-in-the-crotch of a year. But, before we get there, we might as well stop along the way to smell the soup bowls and pick the pastry. After all, there will always be more meals.

Here are some of the most photogenic, organic, and panoramic dishes uploaded to Instagram this week. A bientot.

Oh, look what you did! That is so adorable! You've laid those two chilis out like large, red flaccid dicks! Thank YOU. Oh, yes, the heart. Well sure, the heart's nice too. I mean, beans or whatever. Yeah, good one.

While I believe it to be inhumane to put something as naive as yogurt under too much strain, it's hard to argue when you're facing a bowl as beautiful as this. Strained yogurt, anxious curd, worried cheese, overworked butter—I'll eat them all if they look good enough.

Oh, look children! It's a cauldron full of wet cornflakes, bits of grit, greasy cabbage, and a great big wooden spoon. Now, why don't you back through the woods to tell grandma that lunch is ready?

Like fruit-flavoured condoms, scented toilet roll and non-fitted bed sheets, I've always rather wondered about chocolate body paint. I mean what is it really for? Who buys it? What's the point of it exactly? Who wants to either eat pube-threaded chocolate-flavoured paste off someone's arse cheeks, or have brown stuff smeared all over their breasts? I'm genuinely interested.

Tàrtar d'ostra i caviar Per Sé!! Autèntic gust a mar! #ElsTinars #Llagostera

A photo posted by @elstinars on

It's amazing how beautiful you can make an old concrete shoe full of snot and pond scum look, isn't it? (Let me say right here and now: I absolutely love oysters and would swallow them by an effluent outlet if there was enough lemon to hide the smell.)

The only meal that both John Major and Holly Hunter in Top of the Lake rejected as "as bit too much grey."

According to a small amount of research into the Victorian tradition of mince pies, the actual pastry bit used to be called the "coffin" and would be disregarded completely, leaving just the meaty, spicy filling. Man, the more you hear about Victorians, the more genuinely, achingly, wretchedly goth they turn out to be.

Lunch, oh lunch. #mattarpaneer #biryani #lunch #food #friends #family

A photo posted by Dishoom (@dishoom) on

This may have a little something to do with the fact that I drank three glasses of wine on an empty stomach last night, but I could probably eat a bathful of biryani right now and still be looking in the sink for seconds.

Talking of hangovers … I'd love to see the bicycle-sized pizza cutter they rolled along this bastard. Imagine. Just imagine the size of those mozzarella strings.

All the wonders of the world are happening outside, on the damp and heady smelling sides of trees. So get out here and sniff some fungus.