Due to our longer lifespans and protracted adolescence, the American male gets to wear the label of "young man" a long-ass time. I didn't stop hearing it until I was 35.
So, Dwyane Wade, it's official: You are no longer a young man.
Flash—yep, we're digging deep in the nickname archives—celebrated his birthday on Tuesday night with a home game against the 13-27 Dallas Mavericks. Wade started off looking spry, throwing up a vintage tumbling backward high-off-glass layup, a two-handed throwdown, and a sweet lob alley-oop to Cristiano Felicio off a behind-the-back dribble. It was almost like time slowed down enough for Wade to morph into some sort of seasonal bird...
In the second half, the pinata burst and the Mavericks scooped up all the candy. Isos for Marquette alums-in-crime Wade and Jimmy Butler generally stagnated, while fellow Marquette alum Wesley Matthews hung around the arc and drilled a go-ahead three with 12 seconds left.
Still, it's Wade's 35th and he's got a makeable baseline jumper. We know how the movie ends—bucket and call it a night to get some cake and bubbly, right? Happy Birthday to you....
But like a man first realizing that time is finite and death is inevitable, the birthday game ended tragically for the #chocolatelover and his #bffbae, and the Bulls fell below .500.
Wanting to make the most of the time he has left on earth, the middle-aged Wade shook off the loss and found solace in the arms of his bae, a machine blowing dollar-dollar-bills y'all in the air, the soothing words of Twista and Do Or Die, and the home-cooked comfort of Popeye's chicken and biscuits.
It's too bad we gotta get old, Stallion.