Dumb Football With Mike Tunison, Week 4

Each week, it seems, there's a new crisis relating to the overall quality at somesuch position on an NFL roster. In just the past few weeks, the usual brave/anonymous NFL executives and scouts have let us know that there's a conspicuous dearth of pro-ready quarterbacks entering the league and that the state of offensive line play is abysmal.

While there may be validity to some of those claims, there is also a weird haste to make a few bad performances indicative of a larger problem. Yesterday, just about everybody wanted to bemoan what has become of the kicker, the scoring position that all the world loves to disdain. People love them some touchdowns, but a game full of field goals is one that is likely being described as plodding and awful.

Generally, the only thing fans hate more than a game stuffed with field goals—some call these "Chiefs games"—is one in which referees play critical roles in the outcome. And those who actually play the game don't hold kickers in much higher regard. Mike Ditka alone probably has a half dozen problematic quotes about how he would sooner [insert awful thing about immigrants or President Obama] than rely on a kicker to win games for him.

To be sure, several kickers had really bad outings in Week 4. In Pittsburgh, Josh Scobee's two critical misses on Thursday night already cost him a job. Jacksonville's Jason Myers might be in similar trouble after his two late misses—three, if you count the miss negated by a Colts timeout—cost the Jaguars the chance to beat a Colts team missing its franchise quarterback. Philadelphia's Caleb Sturgis missed an extra point and a 33-yard field goal in what ended up being an embarrassing three-point loss to Washington. New Orleans' Zach Hocker clanged a 30-yard chip shot off the upright, despite having a fan's bright white belly to aim for, sending to overtime a game the Saints should have won in regulation. San Diego's Josh Lambo would have had an excruciating 39-yard miss at the end of regulation had the Browns not done a very Browns thing and jumped offside, granting the Chargers kicker another chance at the game-winning kick, which he converted at 34 yards.

With one game left in Week 4, kickers are 57-for-71 in field goal attempts this week, a 80.2 percent success rate. The conversion rate for field goals so far this year is 83.5 percent, only a half percent down from the 2014 season average of 84 percent. It's worth noting, however, that the 83.5 percent figure is higher than the field goal percentage in the 2010 and 2011 seasons, which were respectively 82.4 and 82.9 percent. So while it's fair to say that Week 4 has been kind of a bad week for kickers, it doesn't appear to signal a trend in kicker ineptitude.

There's no question that extra point success rate is down in 2015, though that's obviously by design, as the NFL moved the attempt back 13 yards during the offseason in an effort to bring drama to what has mostly been a rote procedure in recent years. There have been 17 missed extra points in 2015, more than double the eight from all of the 2014 regular season.

One veteran free agent NFL kicker, Jay Feely, endeavored to link the new-found struggles in P.A.T.s to the perceived issues with field goals. According to Feely, the old extra point standard, though easy and boring, handily functioned as a confidence booster for a shaky kicker.

— Jay Feely (@jayfeely)October 4, 2015

Now that kickers don't have these gimmies, they're apparently nervous wrecks who only get worse and worse over the course of a game. Then again, the stats aren't showing anything other than a one-week dip in efficacy, so either Feely is just gladly feeding into conjecture or kickers are just so awesome now that the new problem is offset by their towering prowess.

Either way, we'd just prefer it if teams went for it instead of going for three. We being me, and also everyone else.

Von Miller: One Neat Trick That Gave Me Pause About Pelvic Thrusts

The NFL steadfastly refuses to countenance any lewd gyrations from non-cheerleader personnel, and late last week fined the Broncos linebacker $11,567 for his pelvic pump sack celebration. The fine didn't do away with the celebration entirely; Miller still did it on Sunday during player introductions, though he is hoping the league didn't notice. ("They don't record that, do they?" Miller asked after the game.) Miller did, however, make a theatrical gesture of looking around and abstaining from the celebration after a sack of Teddy Bridgewater, so… progress? Miller is willing to pay the fine, though perhaps not every week. From now on, the humping will be done judiciously. There will be a conservative parceling out of the humping.

October Is The NFL's Sexism Awareness Month

This kind of thing happens more than you'd think. Security wanting extra confirmation women are actually media — Tania Ganguli (@taniaganguli)October 5, 2015

A male employee, described as an usher, at Lucas Oil stadium detained three female reporters who were trying to access the locker room following the Jaguars-Colts game. Yahoo Sports' Graham Watson, the Tulsa World's Katie McInerney and the Tuscaloosa News' Joey Chandler were stopped by a staffer for several minutes who sought confirmation that they were allowed in the locker room.

While Watson described the experience as shocking and unprecedented in her career, several other women in the media chimed in to say the occurrence is hardly rare. For what it's worth, Watson said the public relations staff for both teams apologized and that the Colts vowed to investigate the matter.

Greg Hardy Is Back to Make Things Extra Uncomfortable

Now that the Cowboys have played their first four games, the defensive end returns from his reduced domestic violence suspension. Just in time to be aware of the risks of breast cancer. The Shield is intent on owning the domestic violence space and the awareness space.

Speaking of the Cowboys Defense, It's A Political Hot Take

*#%>¥! — Greg Abbott (@GregAbbott_TX)October 5, 2015

Greg Hardy is just like Texas in that he has lots of guns and everyone has to prepare to be upset whenever he's in the news.

Jesus Doooooon'tttttttt Caaaaaarrrrrrreeeeeeee For Your Sins

is Jay Cutler too often criticized? Martellus: 'They threw rocks at Jesus, & Jesus was an excellent guy who did a lot of awesome stuff.'

— Patrick Finley (@patrickfinley)October 4, 2015

If nothing else, the 2015 season is a success because a teammate likened Jay Cutler to Jesus. If Jesus had kids, would he name one after the dog? You don't know that he wouldn't. And he wouldn't vaccinate his kids either, mostly by dint of there being no vaccines when he was alive.

It Was All The Toilet Paper

Save for a duffed flirtation of a comeback by the Dolphins, the Jets had an easy time with Miami in the first London game of the season. How did it happen? Was it because the Dolphins are horribly coached and generally bad? No! It was the 350 rolls of toilet paper that the Jets shipped to Britain for the game. The comfort and familiarity of American wipes allowed New York to play loose, clean, and unchafed, surely giving them an advantage over the red-assed and literally butthurt Dolphins. Look for this to be a much copied tactic in the years to come. Teams will invest big in advanced TP technology.

Ndamukong Suh Villainy Level: Cartoonishly Super

The new Dolphins star defensive tackle has yet to record a sack and is generally doing a better job of kicking helmets off of opponents than anything else on the field. This naturally spurs discussion, most of it of the Smug Sportswriter Is Just Asking Questions variety, about his rather large contract and why teams that want to win should not splurge in free agency. Buh Suh is no mere free agent bust. He is brushing off the media's questions and wearing sneakers to full padded practices as a sign of dissatisfaction with Miami defensive coordinator Kevin Coyle and his two-gap defensive scheme. On the other hand, Suh made a meme of some British guy, so perhaps he's not all bad.

The Patriots Are On Bye, So Let's Make Them Feel Bad About Super Bowl XLII

According to whatever formula FiveThirtyEight uses to evaluate performance, the 2007 New England Patriots are the greatest team in NFL history. Which makes it strange that they lost the Super Bowl that year to the 457th best team of all-time. If it's any consolation, the '07 Giants aren't the worst-rated team to win a championship. Just the worst of the modern era.

Colin Kaepernick and Clay Matthews Should Open-mouth Kiss on the 50 Yardline

The long-standing feud between the 49ers quarterback and the Packers linebacker was renewed on Sunday, with Matthews mocking Kaep's bicep-kissing celebration and telling the 49ers quarterback "you're no Russell Wilson, bro." Until Sunday, the 49ers have had a lot of recent success over the Packers, and it clearly had Matthews feeling some type of way. Before a 2013 game, Matthews boasted of hitting Kaepernick even when he didn't have the ball. In that game Matthews drew a personal foul penalty for hitting Kaep way out of bounds. Matthews maintains none of that stuff was planned and he's just a big ol' kid out there having fun. That story checks out because kids are also spiteful brats.

The Internet Is Sometimes Blown Away By The Convergence of Ones and Threes

Wow, look at all them 1s and 3s on the screen on the same time! That's crazy! What are the odds, really? Probably not high, I would guess. It's definitely good and cool that the Internet went crazy for this screengrab, which very much makes you think.

And what's this below? Oh, that's intriguing, too. I'm going to take many minutes to ruminate over these images. There. I've ruminated. I'm centered.

Is this real? — hollywood mulloy (@fakemikemulloy)October 5, 2015

A Sad Update, With Alex Smith

After a zero TD game today, Alex Smith is 3-40-1 when the opponent scores 24 or more points.

— Clay Wendler (@ClayWendler)October 4, 2015

A Sadder Update, With Brandon Weeden

Brandon Weeden has lost 10 straight starts- longest active losing streak by any QB.

— Kevin Negandhi (@KNegandhiESPN)October 5, 2015

The Saddest Update, With Josh Freeman

The first-round pick of the Buccaneers in 2009 had his debut on Friday with the Brooklyn Bolts of the Fall Experimental Football League. The league name is frustratingly misleading, as the sport isn't being experimented with. Like, humans aren't even playing against wild animals or anything fun. It's just another prospective development league for the NFL to ignore. Anyway, Freeman fumbled five times and only passed for 32 yards on 16 attempts in a 29-6 loss.

Fan of the Week

I thought the cosplaying R*dskins fan holding the American flag in Wembley Stadium couldn't be beat, but as they say, that's why they play the games. Big Belly Saints fan all the way. There he was, presumably celebrating his team's would-be game-winning kick, only to skeeve out the ball enough that it went into the upright. If there actually is a problem with NFL kickers, I want this man to be the reason. His distended gut should be the cause of every shanked kick. Eventually teams will get into bidding wars for his services. Then he'll sign a massive contract and tank and be too lazy to even lift his shirt. It'll be great.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Josh Norman

2. Chris Ivory

3. Drew Brees

4. Todd Gurley

5. Pernell McPhee

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Colin Kaepernick

2. Tramon Williams

3. Joe Philbin

4. Ryan Tannehill

5. All kickers everywhere. BAN KICKERS!

As For Tonight…

The nice thing about Ndamukong Suh's departure in free agency is that it damages two franchises at once. Of course, much more is wrong with the Lions other than the absence of Suh on the defensive line. Matt Stafford going against the Seahawks secondary in Seattle is, shall we say, not encouraging. What's more, people complaining about Calvin Johnson not getting the ball enough is the only thing that rivals people complaining that Jimmy Graham isn't thrown to enough in the Seattle offense for pure empty calorie bitching. It's the Ball Distribution Bowl!

Detroit desperately needs this one if the Lions want to maintain any semblance of hope for a playoff run. The NFC North already looks lost to them unless Aaron Rodgers gets hurt, though the 2013 season should have taught us that even that isn't enough. Is it time for Jim Caldwell to stare po-faced at a pink slip, only for another coach to be consigned to the hell of Stafford being a franchise QB? Yeah, probably.