'I Just Can't Relate' – Women On Not Having A Friendship Group

If you don't have a group of friends, do you even have friends? That’s the message broadcast by popular culture. Film and TV are populated by women with ride-or-die friendship crews who navigate the trials of life together (think: Sex and the City; Georgia off Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging and her Ace Gang; or the four girls at the heart of CW’s Girlfriends).

But not everyone has a solid friendship set, and according to Dr Nilu Ahmed, a behavioural psychologist at the University of Bristol, this isn’t actually as rare as it seems. Friendship dynamics between female and male friendships tend to differ, she says. “Generally speaking, male friendships are more socially focused and so are more group-based. Female friendships are more intimate than social in their focus and so women tend to have friends that meet specific emotional needs.”

We speak to five different women who don’t have a core friendship group to get to the bottom of the issue. 

“I've had friendship groups growing up that were rock tight, but as I began to realise my difference in mentality towards who we choose to love, I wasn't ready to deal with homophobia from my favourite people. Later in my teens, I bounced over to a group of people who were more accepting of queerness, but I didn't have anything else in common with them, especially as queer culture in the outskirts of London is largely white. 

“It has become a repeating thing that I can find an individual who will align with my values and some of my interests, but rarely a whole group – which is important because I want all my people to feel safe and comfortable in a group setting. I just want to be able to have a BBQ and dance with my friends from different walks of life in one spot and make sure we're all treating each other with respect and kindness.”

“My friends from undergrad uni at QMUL [Queen Mary University of London] were Asian and from a working class background and the friends I have made now at Cambridge are the complete opposite of that. I think if I wasn't in the situation I'm in – being at Cambridge and having to be part of this world – I wouldn't of made these friends either. 

“I think my interactions with the groups are also quite different – some friends I know I can go out with and have a laugh but not necessarily have a serious chat, whereas with my friends at Cambridge I feel like it’s part of a more serious and academic world. I think it would be nice for them to meet, but I don't ever see them mixing or it becoming one big friendship group because they serve different purposes.”

“I have some trouble socialising due to autism, and have often found it difficult to navigate some group situations. In the past I have had friend groups, but they haven’t lasted due to moving house or just growing apart. There have been moments of misunderstanding because of my… ‘different’ way of learning and grasping social situations. And moments where I realise that actually I’m not that comfortable with everyone in the group and I’m only staying for one or two people.

“In the past I’ve expressed [my autism] to friend groups and been brushed off with ‘oh we all feel like that sometimes’ or ‘we all struggle with that sometimes’, and really downplay the fact that sometimes I have great difficulty navigating communication – especially with groups.”

“I grew up in Bradford where I had a group of friends at school, but we all moved away after school and drifted apart. I went to uni in Newcastle where I had another solid friend group, but there was a falling out which fractured the group and the side that I fell on. The four of us now live in three different cities. I then moved to London a few years later where I found that most people already have their groups that they rely on. So for example, getting all my work pals to hang out at once takes months of organising.

“I can find it quite stressful and busy trying to make plans seeing lots of people one on one, and really miss the ease and security of having a group to rely on. I think about it a lot. Booking holidays are particularly anxiety-inducing because most people have partners or groups to go with so I usually end up being a tag on to someone else's group. I dearly love all my friends and am extremely lucky to have quite a few that I would consider best friends – I just met them all at different points of my life.”

“Unless you form that group of friends from a semi-organised event or activity, e.g school, uni, a sports club, you’re unlikely to ever consciously try to make this group. I don’t feel embarrassed because I’m really happy with all the friendships I do have and I see their value, and I’d rather not be in a group to not like everyone or feel like I have to put up with them. 

“But it sometimes would be nice to have a group of people to do certain activities with; one-on-one can feel a bit flat if you’re going to something a bit fancier or with more of a party vibe. It’s also a bit funny with birthdays or occasions – I’d love to have a group of friends over but none of them know each other and that feels like a massive hassle. The biggest thing is probably feeling excluded from the group friendships narrative across all sorts of media. Like, I just can’t relate!”

@Iolachristina