Dir: Her Husband/Joey
How was your weekend? Mine was shitty. Me and my wife went down with the flu for two weeks and were running 102 fevers, bedridden, and about to tear each other's heads off. And during our first weekend of feeling slightly better I get this double feature of crap cinema delivered to my door. Do you remember these two pieces of shit, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco? Back in 1992 Amy shot her lover Joey's wife in the head by ringing the doorbell at their home and pulling the trigger. It spawned many jokes, my favorite of which was: "Knock, knock. Who's there? AMY FISHER, BANG! BANG!" The papers dubbed her "the Long Island Lolita" and for a trashy, high-haired slut with a gun I didn't think she was that terrible looking. I wasn't about to hump her for fear of getting shot but from afar she wasn't bad.
Fast-forward 16 years to 2008 and this DVD shows up in my mail. Those seven years in jail must have really done a number on Amy, because for a 40-year-old she looks worn hard and hung up wet. Not even the tit job or stomach tattoo of butterflies helps her look any younger. Then I thought, hold on, this girl was only 16 or 17 when this all happened. I went to Wikipedia and learned that Amy is only two years older than I am! She was born in 1974. She'll be 34 in August. I felt sick to my stomach.
Have you ever seen that grid of a crackwhore's mug shots? She starts out well-put-together and over the next few years you can see her decompose into a frizzy-haired skeleton. That's what this reminds me of. It looked like Lex Luthor shot Amy with an aging gun. Her flabby, gray-haired grandpa of a husband looks appropriate in the scene. They're like two senior citizens rolling around, giving each other oral. I was waiting for them to accidentally shit themselves and blame it on the dog.
Buttafuoco's DVD isn't any more digestible. Joey looks like Ron Jeremy if somehow Ron Jeremy could be three times as hairy, four times as round, and a hundred times more gross-out. And the thing he's inserting his penis into has to be in her 50s and emaciated, with a terrible tit job—she looks like someone stuck fake boobs on one of the living-dead survivors of Auschwitz. If that thought doesn't turn you on, then maybe you need to be told that her butthole was an outy, not an inny. Seems in her younger days this lady must have liked it in the butt once too often and as a result her ass fell out. Ever wonder what will come of these porn gals that claim to be anal queens in 20 years? Then take a good hard look at this lady's asshole. It's a miserable sight—like she had two enormous hemorrhoids and those two hemorrhoids grew arms and legs and started a book club in her ass.
In summation: These people are not sexy, they are the disgusting dregs of society, and this is not porn... this is the horror, the horror, the horror.
For more of Chris go to chrisnieratko.com or NJSkateshop.com.