I Tried and Failed to Dress Like Alabama Worley

Ah, the it-girl; a species that has been defined for so long by an eating disorder and a Burberry campaign that it’s become difficult to imagine it any other way. Long gone are the genuinely inspirational women that it takes a biopic or a death to remind us of. This time it was a death. Buh-bye Tony Scott, hello endless Pinterest albums of <3aLaBaMa WoRLeY<3. Yes, True Romance features both Brad Pitt and Christian Slater, but it was Alabama’s boobies that everyone was transfixed by. And you can’t really get more ‘IT’ than that. And so, for the sake of nostalgia, I dug out a big blue padded bra, some aviators and a shotgun.

What I quickly discovered from this attempt, and also a Google search of "True Romance style", is that there is one incredibly frustrating truth about emulating AW’s fashion. The problem is this:

Alabama Worley + transvestite clothes from early 2000s = super-hot, bad bitch.

Anybody else + transvestite clothes from early 2000s = New Look 2010/science teacher mid-life crisis/au pair at a festival.

Let me explain.

LOOK 1: Here is Alabama wearing a blue bra, with a matching thick blue belt, cow-skin skirt and wayfarers. Blue. Obviously.

And here is me, wearing what is undoubtedly a paltry effort but nonetheless, a similar silhouette (WORK WITH ME). Evidently leaning against a personalised number plate without a killer cleavage, and just generally not being Partricia Arquette, wasn’t working for me. I don't look perfect measures of adorable and bad-ass at all. I looked like I was wearing a top tied around my waist and was leaning on a stranger’s car in a bra. I looked like the kind of woman you hear screaming/crying outside your bedroom window at 4AM on a Wednesday. It was time to change.

LOOK 2: Here is Alabama looking completely RIDICULOUS but somehow still kind of hot, in what is possibly an early pair of jeggings, an off-the-shoulder "thing" and a tiny pink suitcase. If you haven’t got my point about no one else ever being able to pull this look off in real life, just re-read the previous sentence until you do. Tiny. Pink. Suitcase.

My attempt was obviously anything but successful. Again, do not try this at home. This photo makes me look like Jennifer Lopez’s ugly cousin. I'm in Miami, bitch.

LOOK 3: Possibly the worst of the lot. I’m afraid Alabama doesn’t even pull this one off, though I am impressed with the fashion forecasting. They managed to predict EXACTLY what every teenager from Bristol who loves to "rave it up" in a field wears and will keep wearing for the next ten years. Those sunglasses are 100 percent not OK… Sorry.

Surprise, surprise! I look like Lily Allen or some kind of really futuristic character off Habbo Hotel. Really shit.

LOOK 4: Well, this one kind of redeems the whole thing, because although my take’s definitely not identical, it looks like Alabama was really on to something with the whole red, leopard print, bouquet thing she’s rocking here. Miles away from the turquoise hoop earrings and zebra print leggings, this is way more Pretty Woman than ‘mom in Matilda’. Sure you might miss the wacky colour combos of some of the other looks, but trust me, no one else will.

T-R-U-E-R-O-M-A-N-C-E

As you can see, a 1-in-4 success rate is really not high enough to merit investing all that money in plastic jewellery and dinky handbags. And yes, obviously she looks hot, but I’d take great care in attempting to re-create this hotness due to a strong chance that you’ll end up looking like you’ve rolled around in the sale bin at Urban Outfitters. If you want to channel Alabama, maybe do it by just being kind of autistically cute and aggressive, and occasionally "forgetting" to wear a top. Face it, you’re not going to have sex with Christian Slater, and you’re not going to kill Tony Soprano. Furthermore, I really hope you will never need to look as cool as she does covered in blood and dying. Because it would be really hard. And like, awfully painful.

SEE.

You're so cool. You're so cool. You're so cool?

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

Previously: Beauty School Dropout - How to Be a 'Perfect Bitch'