Canada is a land of goofy dopes. Ontario's got hosers, the prairies've got north-of-Fargo hosers and cowhosers, the west coast has its breathy hippie hosers, and Quebec's just a heavy metal mess. But all the things that make Canada's hosers hosers--dressing like a 70s extra, drinking whatever beer your province sells cheapest, listening to music you have to drink shitty beer to listen to, and talking like a habitual gas huffer--all are at their most extreme on the east coast. And Newfoundland is the east coast of the east coast. Newfoundlanders, or "Newfies" are heavy-drinking, cod-fishing, funny-talking island folk that didn't join Canada until 1949. They are almost as easy a target as the French.
The rest of Canada, eager to look cool in front of the other provinces, treats Newfoundland like shit. As it goes, Newfies are dumb, drunk, dumb, stupid, poor, dumb, and speak with an accent combining Irish, hoser, and dumb.
Best yet, making fun of them couldn't be easier--Newfie jokes are 100% compatible with your already-existing catalogues of blonde, Polish, or idiot jokes. Enjoy.
-A Newfie is walking home kicking old bottles, when a genie pops out of one. "I can grant you three wishes," says the genie, "so choose wisely." The Newfie says "Give me a beer that'll never run out." A bottle appears in the Newfie's hand and he downs it, but when we pulls it away from his mouth it's still full. The happy Newfie continues walking home. The genie says "Hey, you still have two wishes left!" "Oh," says the Newfie, "gimme two more of these then!"
-An Ontarian, an Albertan, and a Newfie are running from the cops. They run into an alley and see a pile of sacks, which they decide to hide in. The cops follow them into the alley and kick the bag with the Ontarian in it. The Ontarian goes "meow!" and the cops go "Ah, it's just a bag full of cats." They kick the bag with the Albertan in it, and he goes "woof!" and they're like, "OK, dog in a bag, whatever." Then they kick the bag with the Newfie in it, and he goes "potato!"
- A newfie named Clyde died in a fire and was burnt so badly that the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Clem and Zeke, came to do the job. Clem went in first and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Clem took one look and said, "Nope, ain't Clyde."
Just to be safe the mortician brought in Zeke and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said "No, it ain't Clyde." The mortician asked "How can you tell? Zeke said "Well, Clyde had two assholes." "What? He had two assholes?" said the mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say 'Here comes Clyde with them two assholes.' "
-A newfie rolls into his factory job at 10:30. The floor manager comes up to him and sayd, "You should have been here at nine o'clock," to which the newfie responds "Why, what happened?"
-One day a newfie goes to a carpenter and asks how much it would cost to build a wooden crate that is 1 inch tall, 1 inch wide, and 50 feet long. When the carpenter asks what he needs it for, the newfie replies, "The wife snapped her clothesline the other day, and I have to send it to Toronto to get it fixed."
-A newfie walks into a lumber yard and says, "I's building an 'ouse bye' and needs me some a dat der too be far" The clerks says "You mean 2 by 4?", the newfie says "Yes bye', dat's da stuff." The clerks asks "Well how long do you need it?" The newfie responds "Well bye', I's buildin an 'ouse wit it so I's gonna need it for awhile."
-A Mainlander is driving down the highway and runs over a rabbit. Wondering what noise was, he stops his car and gets out to look. While he's standing there a newfie pulls up and asks him what's going on.
The mainlander says, "I'm just here visiting your fair province and I seem to have killed one of your animals."
The newfie takes a look at the rabbit and says, "No problem, bye. Hang'er down a few."
The newfie then goes to his truck and gets an aerosol spray-can, which he proceeds to empty onto the rabbit. When he's done he chucks the empty and says, "There ya go, me son. Enjoy yer stay" then gets in his truck and takes off.
The rabbit gets up, hops 10 feet towards the woods, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, turns around and waves, hops another 10 feet, and finally disappears into the woods.
The Mainlander is blown away. Wondering what the newfie did, he grabs the can out of the ditch and reads the label, which says: "Hair spray. Gauranteed to bring dead hair back to life with a permanent wave"
-A newfie was having a hard time attracting women at the beach, so he decided to ask his friend the lifeguard for advice.
"It's dem big baggy swimming trunks, my son. Dey're years outta style. Yer best bet is to grab yeself a pair of Speedos--about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm telling ye, man.. .ye'll have all de babes ye wants!"
The following weekend, the newfie hit the beach with his new Speedos and his fist-sized potato. Everybody he walked past immediately covered their faces and started gagging.
The newfie went back to the lifeguard and said, "I did what ye said, but it's sitll not working."
"Lard-Tunderin' Jeezus b'y!" said lifeguard, "the potato goes in the front!"
-Two newfies are in a car enjoying a bottle of black horse, when a cop pulls them over. The newfie in the passenger seat says "He's got us now by, what are we gonna do?"
The driver says they have nothing to worry about and tells him to follow his lead and say nothing.
The driver peals the lable off the bottle of beer, licks the back of it, sticks it to his forehead, and puts the bottle under his seat--the passenger follows suit. The police officer approaches the drivers window and asks for his licence and registration.
As the driver gives the officer his info the officer asks whether he or the passenger had been drinking at all that night, at which point the driver points to his forehead and responds, "Oh no sir, we's on da patch ya see!".
-A newfie's wife passed away and he called 911. The 911 operator told him that they would send someone over right away and asked him where he lived.
"At the end of Eucalyptus Drive," the newfie told her. The operator asked, "Could you please spell that for me?"
After a long pause, the newfie said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"