Girl Eats Food - Eggnog Pop-Tarts
Celebrate Christmas by getting drunk and burning your face off simultaneously.
Hey guys. Remember Lucky Charms? Remember how you used to mix them up with three other different types of cereal when you were a kid so that eating breakfast felt like going on holiday? And then remember how you bought them with your student loan money because you missed your mum so much you couldn't eat anything else?
Well I don't. If you think I'm the sort of girl who spends her evenings sat at home in a nappy watching Mr Benn VHSs whilst shovelling spoonfuls of memory into her mouth, you can think again. But Pop-Tarts still taste as good as I remember them doing before Trading Standards pussied out and pulled them from the shelves just because of the odd toaster or toddler's mouth that got destroyed by fire. The good news is, you don't even have to suffer the shame of entering some specialist fatty shop to get them, because the taste of blistering strawberry face is surprisingly easy to recreate in the sweet solitude of your own home.
Everyone knows eggnog tastes way more like Christmas than the argumentative drawn-out anti-climax of the day itself. So, if there’s a better way of making your breakfast more ~*festive*~ (there’s another week of this, deal with it) than starting your day with these hot pockets of neat alcohol and full fat dairy, then I just don’t know what it is. Think of these like squat thrusts for your tummy in preparation for the biggie meal.
Lots x eggnog
4 x eggs
½ cup of sugar
2 cups of double cream
1 cup of rum
1 cup of plain flour
1 tbspn of sugar
4oz of butter
2 tbspns of milk
Separate the eggs. Do I really have to waste valuable internet space showing you how to do this? It's not that fucking hard.
Divide the sugar equally between the whites and the yolks. Beat the yolks into a sunny-colored snot and the whites till they’re stiff. Not crazy, hold-the-bowl-upside-down-over-your-head stiff, but pretty stiff.
I think we’re past the point of giving a shit about our arteries, so I used cream instead of milk. Whip the cream furiously into a dairy concrete, then slosh in your alcohol.
Fold errrything together and sprinkle in some grated nutmeg. I’ll give you a piece of advice for nothing: you can drink the egg nog as it is now but remember it’s still raw egg. So avoid putting any in your mouth if you have an upset tummy or you've just spent 12 hours doing Jägerbombs and dusting your genitals with uppers at the Christmas staff party.
Festive egg swill done, the time has come to smush your pastry ingredients together until it looks like...
Pastry. Or a child's brain. Whichever makes you feel more festival.
On a floured surface, manhandle your tart dough till it’s as supple as you can get it, then roll till it's about half a centimeter thick.
You don’t strictly have to slice the pastry into Pop-Tart shapes, but really why read this if you’re going to cut them into motherfucking snowman silhouettes? Get out of my kitchen.
Now to build your tarts: plop the booze-custard on one half and glue the other half on top with yet more egg. Fork a pretty pattern into the edges to seal and resist the temptation to indulge in the truly authentic Pop-Tart experience by stabbing in some airholes so the thing doesn't burn your house down. Bake in the oven at 180c for 20 minutes.
Obviously, don’t eat them straight away because they will BURN YOUR FACE FLESH OFF. But, once cool, you’ll have an adorable little parade of eggy pastry envelopes, perfect to get you in the mood for Santa’s birthday.
Enjoy with more rum.
Previously - Crazy Christmas Caffeine Cake Pops
- Vice Blog