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Holiday Season Baby

Babies are the real MVPs of the holiday season.

by KOOL A.D.
Dec 17 2015, 3:18pm

The author and his baby

Babies are the real MVPs of the holiday season. They step in the function like "ALL EYEZ ON ME" and everybody's all "Yasss, betch. It's fuckin' lit. Turn up."

A baby on Xmas—or on any of the eight days of Chanukah or seven days of Kwanzaa or eight days of Las Posadas, or on el Día de los Tres Reyes or Krampusnacht, if you a real freak—is like the centerpiece, a cornucopia of distraction that allows a young player such as yourself to chill in the cut hella stoned watching Die Hard while your whole fam ogles the lil monkey. The baby will pass through more hands than coke money. It'll be off making the rounds, glad-handing, kissing other babies. Meanwhile, you'll be twisted off the nog, lampin. I mean, yeah, a baby is a joyous celestial blessing but sometimes your boy need to take a lil swim in lake me.

But for real, babies around the holidays are hella wavy. They fuck with all the adornments and decorations—colored lights, elves, all the people filled with cheer and what have you. Babies eat it up, mane. They're hella confused as to why this isn't all year round. And frankly, I am too. Christmas carols are garbage and the color scheme is foul as hell but the general vibe of the season is pretty groovy. I would be content to ride that wave for a mighty long time indeed.

I'm not into that sitting on Santa's lap mess, though. That's some creepy white people shit. The elves can stay, though. An industrious people, strong work ethic. You put that kind of manpower into green energy and a lot of our ecological and socioeconomic problems would be solved, but that's neither here nor there.

The real "reason for the season," as they say, is cosmic in nature. The rotation of the earth, the changing of the seasons, the transformation of the hours, the passage of time, the completion of the sun cycle, etc. It's a time of harvest, reflection, change, new beginnings, natural shit, pagan thangs. Babies, being creatures especially in tune with nature, feel these vibes and reflect them prismatically.

Babies don't really care about the whole Jesus thing, or the historically problematic timing of his "birthday" celebration. They're just here for the lights, large family gatherings, wrapping paper, toys, and sweets. In short, they're party animals and that's what's up. I'm with that program.

The holidays are also good for introducing your baby to gambling, a good life skill. Give it a dreidel and some of those little chocolate gold coins. Smackin. L'chaim, feel me? I mean boycott Israel, but still, l'chaim, happy Chanukah. It's the festival of lights, mane. What's not to love?

Don't get it twisted, babies love Kwanzaa, too. If there's anything that gets a baby going it's tradition and reason. Just playing, but they do fuck with candles. Kwanzaa is a regular festival of lights in its own right. If you need to teach your kid more facts about Kwanzaa, please refer to the below informational music video I shot with the New York homies a few years back.

Let the baby watch A Charlie Brown Christmas. That shit's wild boring but I like the look and feel of it. The pictures are simple yet strangely elegant. Charlie Brown was the O.G. Calliou. Never seen Calliou actually, managed to dodge that bullet, but one time on tour with Danny Brown he had the aux cord and played this lil gem and it really opened up some blocked chakras for your boy. Speaking of Danny Brown, where's that Dr. Seuss-inspired kid's book I heard he was writing? Need that stocking stuffer A$AP.

Anyway, in conclusion, if you really don't fucks with the holidays, have a baby. It will renew your joy and vigor for life in general, but definitely see what it does to the soul come December when your child is nestled all snug in its bed with visions of sugar plums dancing in its head. You'll have a holly jolly time, mane.

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