Not all one-night stands are created equal.
Photo: Jacob Lund / Alamy Stock Photo
This article originally appeared on VICE UK.
Ah, one-night stands. We've all been there. And as the gap between puberty and settling down gets ever wider, more of us seem to be going there than ever before. Mind you, some one-night stands attain a higher level of rowdiness than others: while most essentially consists of downing shots and getting naked in front of a stranger, sometimes there's blood involved or machetes.
Below, I spoke to some people about their wildest one-night stands.
We met on Tinder. He was 38 and I was 21. We decide to meet for lunch in Soho. While we're waiting for our food, he tells me he that he has a son, who's 19, and wants to check that it doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable because I'm roughly the same age as his child. I was so attracted to him that I didn't care, and after lunch, we get a black cab back to his insane art-filled townhouse in Hackney. When we get there he makes us gin and tonics and runs us a bath with candles and the works.
We get out and he's put on a Prince record and has made a fire, with actual logs. We proceed to have sex on a rug by the fire, then he brings out some coke and we carry on doing coke and fucking until like midnight, at which point we move into the bedroom and carry on. Eventually, morning rolls around and he makes me some coffee, calls me an Uber, and sends me home. The next day, I get a text from him saying that he was going through a midlife crisis and he shouldn't be hanging out with girls a similar age to his son. I never heard from him again.
I was at a party when I was a student, and all the boys there wanted to get with this Sasha Grey-looking chick. Everyone there was mad rich—she was friends of a friend who lived next door to John Terry. Anyway, they were all playing dead-out acoustic guitar around a campfire while me and this other dude were chugging beer and trying to chat this girl up. Eventually, we all kind of pass out in a bedroom, and around 5 AM I get up to go piss when she knocks on the door behind me. I let her in. I didn't even get to pee yet, but she starts kissing my dick, and we end up having sex in the bathroom, thinking we're being mad stealth. We finish up and go back to bed, and find everyone wide awake, laughing. Turns out we were fucking against the other side of the wall they were all sleeping on.
This boy was in my Snapchat a lot. He was always asking me what I was doing and replying to my selfies with eye emojis. After about two weeks of this, I invite him over and he's so cute—beautiful face, beautiful smile, gorgeous. Anyway, we get down to it and he comes in my mouth but keeps his dick in there and holds my head really still and says "keep sucking, yeah"—but I can't move my head and he's not doing any moving either, so I'm basically just suckling on his dick. I stay there for like five minutes, just suckling until he comes again.
After that, he starts rolling a joint, charging his phone, and making some calls. I'm doing my own thing on my phone, when he goes, "Do you got a wipe?" so I get a baby wipe out from beside me, thinking he wants to clean up a little, but when I turn around to look at him, I see he's taken out this fucking HUGE knife— the biggest knife I've ever seen. I pass him the baby wipe and just don't say anything because I don't know what to say: There is a boy polishing a fucking machete in my bed. He gets up and puts it in his sleeve, gets dressed, tucks the knife into his pants, and asks me if I want anything from the store.
When he leaves, I realize he's left his iPhone, so I go to my roommates and tell them what's going on. One of them is like, "He's not coming back in this house," which is fair enough, but his phone is here. Half an hour later, he comes back and my roommate gives him the phone and sends him away. Half an hour after that, I get a Snapchat message from him saying, "Sorry I just had to pop over to the store," and that was it. I never saw him or his machete again.
I'd got home from work one night. I just took a shower and was about to settle down to watch Eastenders when my phone rang. It was a girl I'd spoken to a bit on Tinder but never met. I answered and she was very frantic—telling me I had to come over and help her because someone was breaking into her house. While I'm trying to figure out what the fuck to do, it transpires that she was just horny and wanted me to come through. I wasn’t really in the mood, but eventually, my dick bullied me into it and I got in my car and drove to some place with a Twickenham zip code. It just kept getting weird from there. First, she told me to meet her on a bench just up the road from her place, and then she directed me to a parking lot in a leisure center and told me to park my car there.
I park and follow her to the edge of some water. She starts winding some big metal wheel on a wooden post, which draws a little raft on a chain up to the edge, and then does the same to a wheel on the raft to pull ourselves across the water. Now we're on the other side on, like, a little island of wooden houses. We get to her place and it's quickly apparent that it’s her family home. I meet her stepmom and it's awkward. We go to her room and she explains that her dad is a big drinker and won't be home until 3 AM, and won't get up until after we've left, so I won't meet him and it's fine. We open a bottle of wine, barely chat, and just have sex. Afterward, she decides to take a shower. She asks me to come shower with her, but something in me tells me to decline.
Suddenly, the front door opens and her dad comes home, three hours early. I hear him muttering, "Who the fuck's showering at this time?" He opens the door to the bathroom and they start yelling at each other. I'm on the other side of a thin, unlocked door, thinking, shit, shit, shit, trying to get dressed silently in case he comes in, cursing this fucking weird little bedroom for not having any windows to climb out of. In the end, he didn't come in, but I had to listen to them fighting about the fact that I was there for about 40 minutes. Eventually, after another half-hour of him hanging around the kitchen outside of her room, opening and closing drawers, he went to bed. I crept out at like 6 AM, rafted back across the water to my car, which was surrounded by 30 people in lycra with a boom box thumping out deep house, doing a dawn aerobics session. I got in, drove back to my neighborhood, and went through the McDonald's drive-thru.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.