An Objective Review of Ivanka Trump's 21-Minute Sex Playlist

Noisey is proud to be a world leader in important sex music research, so the emergence of the Ivanka Trump sex playlist – basically, she made a Spotify playlist full of love songs named after this colour and it's funny to imagine that it's a sex playlist so that's what everyone is doing – presents us with an opportunity to take our science further.

While my personal authority on the topic of sex music may be questionable (like, I have had sex to an album by The xx), as a representative of Noisey, I have assessed the 21-minute playlist – clearly Jared Kushner is a man of limited foreplay; there's literally no way he's going down on her in a satisfactory manner in this amount of time, which actually explains a lot – and considered it academically. I have come up with a fair and objective review, which, if you were thinking about fucking to Ivanka Trump's Sex Mix, I'd like you to consult first:

This is a very nice song and for what it's worth I imagine that John Legend and Chrissy Teigen have a wonderfully satisfying sex life. But I have to object to the use of this song for what must certainly be the foreplay portion of the shag – while the sentiment of "All of Me" is very sweet, it's also the sort of song that is completely responsible for young women being convinced by society that they should be able to orgasm by gazing into the eyes of a good man. In short: you cannot finger bang to this song, and thus it is useless at this position in the playlist.

Okay, more John Legend. This works slightly better – it's quicker and more rhythmic and bodes fairly well for the start of the sex – but most interestingly it kind of suggests that being "Ordinary People" is what gets Ivanka off. Maybe Ivanka has a Marxist fantasy whereby she's a member of the proletariat? Unionise me daddy!

This is becoming kind of thrilling.

And as quickly as it got good, it's gone to shit. "You're Beautiful" is the wettest song in existence (in the bad way). James Blunt sounds like Prince Charles sucking on a helium balloon, and that might be the least sexy thing I've ever thought about.

I mean, this makes sense as a final song, as the only one in the list with any sort of real vigour. This is the cumming song, isn't it? Having bored their way through a cursory 15 minutes of missionary (after Ivanka has hand-sanitised following an un-enthusiastic half hand-job), things come to a head with a soundtrack of Adele yelling, which, to be fair, is a smart choice, because it least it fills the silence after a less than earth-shattering end.

Final verdict on sexiness: No.

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