My First Time is a column and podcast series exploring sexuality, gender, and kink with the wide-eyed curiosity of a virgin. We all know your "first time" is about a lot more than just popping your cherry. From experimenting with kink to just trying something new and wild, everyone experiences thousands of first times in the bedroom—that's how sex stays fun, right?
Growing up, sex never seemed like it could be fun at all. It was this big, serious thing, so for a long time when I was exploring sex with other people I was disappointed. I was never really into vanilla sex or anything like that.
I can’t remember exactly when I started thinking, How would a clown do this? It just kind of entered my head. What if sex could be silly and fun and sexy and exciting all at the same time?
I’m a fetish pornographer and webcam model based in Orlando, Florida, and I’m able to put what I want to see on film. I like that I’m able to see those things in my head that get me excited and make them a reality. I feel really lucky that I’m able to do that and I’m in the position that I’m in.
The first time I ever actually did clown sex was in porn. I’ll always remember it fondly because it was with [porn performer] Lance Hart, and in addition to it being the first time I’d done clown sex on camera, it was also the first time I’d ever pegged anybody, meaning that I penetrated him in the ass with a strap-on.
It was very educational and very hot! I’m a big fan of learning as you go, and he explained what needed to be done and what was comfortable for him. Looking back at it now, I think if I hadn’t been in clown makeup, I wouldn’t have had the courage to do it. I got the strength I needed from the clown character.
I took that experience with Hart into my private sex life. There’s always a disconnect when you have sex in porn, because you’re so focused on getting the best camera angles. When the camera isn’t there, it’s so much more wonderful.
The first time I had clown sex in my personal life was actually at a porn convention. One of my lovers was there and it was going to be his birthday and I’d just finished up a scene—my makeup looked really good. So I said, "Would you like an early birthday clown?" I wasn’t wearing a costume, just my clown makeup, and I ended up pegging him. When I was inside him he was looking at me, and he said, "You know, I think this is the first time I’ve ever been pegged by someone in clown makeup."
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Clown porn is such an umbrella term. If I’m making porn, I can have a model and transform them into a clown, and then we can do different types of fetishes together—blowing up balloons together, or tickling each other, or getting each other all messy with big buckets of slime or cake batter, or even just having sex. I haven’t had sex with a female clown fetishist off camera. I hope to change that really soon.
When I’m dressing up as a clown, I have three different faces of makeup and clown characters that I do. There’s my ringleader clown character, who wears a top hat, a long coat with tails, and underneath I’ll wear a bra and panty set, some stockings, and high-heeled boots. There’s purple clown: purple wig, a bigger, poofy foam nose, a purple leotard with purple pantyhose. And slut clown, who has her hair up in pigtails, and wears this cute, frilly Lolita-style dress with bows.
When I’m having sex with someone in clown makeup, I like the way their beautiful clown face is all pristine in the beginning—then when sexy time is over, the makeup is smeared all over and you’ve ruined this wonderful art that was created. I don’t know why, but it’s very pleasing to me. My makeup is always a white paint base, normally with a purple wig or my real pink hair. I’ll have big red lips with an extended smile, and I’ll either keep the nose painted on, or wear a tiny heart-shaped nose tip.
I always try to say something funny during sex, because it’s very cathartic to be able to laugh at yourself and your partner. Sex is ridiculous, but that’s what’s wonderful about it. You don’t have to take your sexuality really seriously. It’s supposed to be fun, it’s supposed to make you smile.
I feel really free when I’m in clown gear, like I can do anything. It’s a journey, like, What boundaries can we push next, for myself or my lover? I’m more comfortable with myself as a person now; I feel more in tune with myself.
People often tell me about their sexual desires and ask me, Am I normal? I grew up thinking there was something wrong with me, so it feels so wonderful to grow up and be the person who can say, No, it’s okay. There are people out there in the world who like the things you do; you just need to find them. You’re not alone.