You might say that beer is a perfect thing. Surely you've read that quote about how beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy. Or perhaps a young Arnold Schwarzenegger said it best in Pumping Iron: "Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer."
How, you may wonder, could one fuck with perfection?
Well, neither Arnold nor God are infallible (er, don't quote us on that last one), and beer runs the gamut from jaw-droppingly good to brain-punchingly shitty.
But those latter beers—you know which ones we're talking about—are more than just an express train to Sloppy Drunktown. They're also blank canvasses for super-simple beer cocktails that transform them from swill to swell. (They're also great for composing criminally bad puns. Hic.)
Here are a couple quick adaptations, from large-format to single-serving, for when lowbrow beer just isn't enough.
Are you working with a case of the kind of corn-fed brew advertised during NFL games? Your best move is the much-loved Midwestern "lunchbox," which usually involves dropping amaretto shots into beer-and-orange-juice-filled pints. We've adapted that into a charming punch, courtesy of The Girl and the Goat's Stephanie Izard. Fill your finest trash can.
MAKE THIS: Lunchbox
Got a sixer of crappy Mexican lager? Obviously the answer is to mix half of it with a classic margarita—with 18 ounces of tequila, naturally—pack a fish bowl with crushed ice, and flip the other three bottles up inside. Salud, you souses.
MAKE THIS: Beergarita
If you're trying to find a balance between dump-and-stir punch and channelling your inner David Wondrich, nothing says love like an individual can dolled up with a fistful of flowers and mint. Brooklyn bar Mother of Pearl provided a delicious recipe that calls for pineapple cider and absinthe, so your backyard barbecue can still feel like an East Village hotspot—just with more burnt chicken. (But don't burn the chicken.)
MAKE THIS: Dressed Can