Police are searching for a mysterious female jogger who has been terrorizing a Colorado Springs neighborhood with heinous public poops, KKTV reports.
The woman, who local residents have nicknamed "the Mad Pooper," first jogged into town over the summer. At first, she probably seemed innocent enough jogging through the neighborhood, out for some sun and cardio or whatever. But the town soon found that she had much more nefarious, turd-related intentions.
Local homeowner-turned-victim Cathy Budde told KKTV that the jogger has stopped to squat in her lawn roughly once a week since the beginning of August. It was her young children who first caught the woman in the act, prompting Budde to run out and confront her—but the woman allegedly showed no shame, just pride in a poo well done.
"[My kids said], 'There's a lady taking a poop,'" Budde told KKTV. "So I come outside, and I'm like... 'Are you serious? Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids!?' She's like, 'Yeah, sorry!'"
The woman ran off that time, but the coils continued to come—and they don't seem to be the product of some bad IBS or GI issue, either. According to the Buddes, there are plenty of public restrooms in the nearby park, but the jogger has opted instead to drop deuces outside their residence or in nearby backyards. She even reportedly brings her own TP, so the poops are definitely premeditated. According to KKTV, the sprinting shitter has even been spotted pinching a loaf behind a nearby Walgreens, instead of taking advantage of the store's actual facilities.
"I put a sign on the wall that's like, Please, I'm begging you, please stop," Budde said. "She ran by it like 15 times yesterday and she still pooped."
Budde has even tried to figure out the woman's exercise/poop schedule, so she can perhaps catch the woman or spray her with a garden hose or whatever one does to stop an adult from shitting on their grass, but the Mad Pooper was too smart for that.
"Two other times we've caught her... [But] she changed up her time a little bit because she knew I was watching."
Budde has turned over video footage of the Mad Pooper to police, in hopes that they can put an end to the turd terror. But police are struggling to grunt out a solution. "It's abnormal, it's not something I've seen in my career," Colorado Springs police sergeant Johnathan Sharketti told KKTV. "It's uncharted territory for me."
Maybe the police should hang up some fliers, since that's worked in the past with problem poopers—or just keep an eye out for a runner who is suspiciously packing a whole lot of Charmin.