This Week in Food Porn: Pizza Parties and Patty Melts

I would take the stars out of a pie for you, stop the juice from falling if you asked me to, I'd do anything for you, your dish is my command. I could move a mixed grill when your hand is in my hand. Words cannot express how much lunch means to me. There must be some other way to make you see. If it takes my salt and sole you know I'd pay the price. Everything that I once ate I'd gladly sacrifice.

Oh, you to me are everything. The sweetest thing that I could drink, oh baby.

Here's the best food porn snapped and uploaded to Instagram this week. For your enjoyment, baby …

How amazing does this pancakes & fresh fruit for breakfast look? Love to wake up to this! Photo credit @lumadeline :) #pancakes #fruit #breakfast #food #foodie #foodporn #instaeat #instafood #instafoodie #healthy #healthyfood #healthyeating #healthychoices #vegetarian #freshfruit

A photo posted by Food Inspirations (@foodie_inspirations) on Feb 2, 2017 at 3:33am PST

This all looks delicious until you realise that there's a giant fizzing aspirin dolloped into a mug of thin chicken gravy on the left hand side of the table. No wonder the watermelon has thrown itself into an SOS arrow away to safety.

#foodstagram #foodpics #foodphotography #foodpic #vsco #vscocam #vscofood #vscolife #picofthelife #vscodaily #vscocamphotos #vscogram #vscovietnam #vscogood #vscophoto

A photo posted by A n n i e (@anniewong231) on Feb 2, 2017 at 3:30am PST

If you don't have access to some hand-foraged crustaceans and an open charcoal barbecue, why not simply throw a handful of garden snails at your nan's two-bar electric fire and crack the double glazing open a couple of inches? (Please don't do this. Or, if you do this, at least don't mention my name).

Patty Melt Tower! Had to bring @blackbookali to @quality_eats for some of my fav NYC eats! #Brunchboys

A photo posted by Brunch Boys-NYC Food Lifestyle (@brunchboys) on Feb 1, 2017 at 10:09am PST

Oh, I think we've just found a bread and butter illustration of all the reasons America is up shit creek with nothing but a Fanta-varnished paddle at the moment.

今晩は！ 今日は次女の習い事に付き合い まだ帰れないー バタバタだったけど そうだ、今日は木曜日！ ずっと使いたかったタグ #振り返りの木曜日 やっと使えた♡ ユータくん@yutaokashi 使わせて頂きましたん( ´罒`*)✧" さぁて明日は 長女はお弁当の日。 帰ったら準備だぁー #tastingtable #whatibakedtoday

A photo posted by ハニャコ (@hanyacoro) on Feb 2, 2017 at 3:33am PST

I'll admit that this does look rather like one of the Magic Eye pictures Tom Dent hung on his bedroom wall after he'd got really into smoking purple haze and listening to a lot of Frank Zappa. Maybe if you tilt your head a little bit, a group of stallions will appear to come running out of the strawberries onto a foaming shoreline.

What is this, a pizza party for ants!!? Who's in your pizza gang? . By @natehunt . . #FoodTalkIndia #FoodTalk #foodgasm #foodie #foodporn #tasty #yummy #foodstagram #pizza #humpday

A photo posted by Food Talk (@foodtalkindia) on Jan 31, 2017 at 10:27pm PST

"Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small pizza, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in pepperoni. 'Well, I'll eat it,' said Alice, 'and if it makes me grow larger, I can reach my friend's ridiculous straw hat; and if it makes me grow smaller, I can creep under her cushion and give her a wedgie.'"

Coconut Yoghurt Chia Pudding with passionfruit The perfect snack or breakfast. Coloured blue with my red cabbage die from the other day. Topped with fresh flowers from @chrisanticofruit Some days I criticise my own photos within an inch of their life - hence why I continue to read and re-read Mastering Your Mean Girl by @melissaambrosini before bed - but today I was pretty chuffed. So that's a step forward. Being proud of your own work and saying it out loud feels awkward. Something we could all do with practicing more I guess I'd love to add this to my friend Rachel's @rachels.fit.kitchen #chiapuddingparty make sure you enter as well. I'll be doing my own shoutout party again soon. Thank you all for 140k. What a huge honour indeed to have your love and support every day. It's helped me many times, but especially this year so far so grateful

A photo posted by (@healthyeating_jo) on Feb 1, 2017 at 10:10pm PST

She's absolutely right, of course. Being proud of your own work and saying it out loud feels awkward. Because doing so makes you an unforgivable tool and a bore of the highest, most indulgent order. Still, if you have the time and inclination to dye your porridge blue with old cabbage water, then I suppose you have to start congratulating yourself. God knows nobody else is going to.

Sneaky lil forage of some seaweed growing profusely along the coastline.. I think the smooth one is some kind of kelp maybe Laminaria digitata? Anyway it's drying so that I can use it in soups for winter, hopefully I don't die…

A photo posted by Remy Tattersall (@remytoadstool) on Feb 2, 2017 at 3:00am PST

Sometimes my longing for the sea becomes so strong it's actually like thirst, like hunger—like the need to sleep. And, sure, holding up a handful of slippery, fish-stinking weed like the lopped off ends of a particularly wet haircut of Jar Jar Binks isn't quite the same as swimming in the ocean under a full moon. But it's a good start.

Master-class in Moscow/ Пока пью кофе перед вылетом в Красноярск, покажу ещё один торт с мастер-класса в Москве) Солнечным утром провожает столица

A photo posted by Polly (@pollykosheleva) on Feb 1, 2017 at 10:26pm PST

This looks like a dog toy. Or a Fisher Price rubber ring. Or a Cath Kidston prostate massager. Or a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Or a Royal Dalton napkin ring. Whatever it is, it does not look edible.

Yogur&Muesli. • Yo pensando que era viernes… Pues a coger fuerzas con un desayuno energético y completo. Yogur, fruta, muesli y un café ¿Cómo se presenta el día?

A photo posted by Delicious Martha (@deliciousmartha) on Feb 2, 2017 at 1:13am PST

I see your dad's still got the shakes then? Still, I'm glad that he can take the time after a big night to whip up some breakfast. And that mam's spoon collection isn't going to waste. And that he's stopped trying to peel blueberries while listening to Steve Wright's "Sunday Love Songs." I do wish he'd stop eating coffee beans by the spoonful though. They don't make his hand eye coordination any better.

Udon prep, using the one and only @clarence_court eggs @ichiryuudon @stevejoycephoto #udon #eggs #delicious #japanese #interested #thefoodstylist #foodstyling #food #foodart #foodporn

A photo posted by Iain Graham (@iaingrahamchef) on Feb 2, 2017 at 3:32am PST

If you've never actually Googled "cervix" well, I've just saved you the bother.