Can a Chick Cook DUDE FOOD? Let's Find Out!

Action Bronson has a cooking show on SBS VICELAND. It's called "Fuck That's Delicious." The next episode airs at 8:30 PM, Monday, 13 February.

Action Bronson looks like a leg of ham. It is true. I am just saying something that is true. This has not hindered him in his career, nor his personal life, as far as I can tell. Action Bronson is a big, huge success, which is why he has a cooking show and I'm going to cook one of his recipes.

I'm also doing this because the powers that be would like an article to plug the aforementioned TV show, Fuck That's Delicious. That is probably not what I am meant to say but like, come on. This is what it is: something between an article and an ad. It's not bad, per se. I mean, as far as this sort of content goes, it is quite good. And you know what: this is just what the internet is in 2017. Ads that pretend to be articles, which usually inform you of The One Eyeliner You Need to Get That Perfect French Girl Cool, so let's just accept our new master (Content with a capital C) and cook a freakin Action Bronson recipe.

All photos by Ben Thomson

Which recipe? The Fat Guy Sandwich. It's fried chicken, chocolate sauce, banana, Sriracha, and ice cream. Munchies called it a "towering behemoth of meat and chocolate."

This is, for some reason, what people often refer to as "Dude Food." When you google "Dude Food," you get pictures of burgers. And, for some reason, this photo of Kaley Cuoco. Like, the implication appears to be that a meal is not something to be eaten, but a challenge to be defeated. As if all of life—even the necessity of sustenance and the joy of tasting—is but a chance to prove to the world that you are not a pussy-ass bitch. I am, in some regards, a pussy-ass bitch.

Anyway, it turns out the Fat Guy Sandwich costs $100 to make because one of the ingredients is Hennessy. Action specifically requests it.

"Hennessy is not cheap," the checkout guy at the liquor stores tells me. He is not wrong. If you have $100, here's the recipe. I didn't, but this was on the company, who can afford this sort of thing because of men like Action Bronson.

First, I coated the chicken in egg, flour, and sesame seeds. Action, my man, the seeds are a nice touch. Great work. This part was really easy. Next, I fried the banana in mixture brown sugar and butter, which tasted extremely good on its own, because the calorie count was approximately 1 million. I then sliced the bananas because I thought you were supposed to. You aren't, so that was a bit of a fuck up. My first misstep in this whole "Dude" "Food" thing.

In my defence: the picture of Action's finished dish on Munchies has been cropped in such a way that I can barely see anything, so it was not a helpful guide. The image is such a thin, thin rectangle that all you are shown is the very centre of the sandwich—no bun at all. I did not realise what I was looking at was a full eight bananas.

Anyway, my incorrectly sliced bananas needed to be flambéd. I did not know how to flambé, but I figured I could learn. I figured wrong, as I basically lit the entire kitchen on fire and my colleague, who owned the kitchen and was lending it to me, yelled at me. Real yelling. She was visibly and audibly quite upset. I made the chocolate sauce at the same time but added way too much cream so it was super thin, much like Munchie's cropping technique, which again, was too small.

Nevermatter. Everything still tasted good. I was dipping my finger to check and it was all delicious. The chicken: beautiful, crispy, tender. The banana: sweet, tasty. The chocolate sauce: watery as fuck but made entirely of cream and chocolate so it obviously tasted fine as well. Dude Food—nice! When assembling the dish, I added marshmallows, Sriracha, and chocolate ice cream.

Here is what the final product looked like:

How did it taste? I am… afraid to say. It is… Fuck. Okay, let me explain it like this:

This sandwich is appealing in the same way a butt chug is. It is creative and outside-the-box but also utterly unnecessary because you can just drink a beer with your hands and mouth. Like in the same way you could've created a delicious multi-course meal with these $100 ingredients if you'd only thought to put them all in separate bowls instead of all together in a bun. Really, in the pursuit of a fresh twist, each concept wantonly makes an existing experience much worse, by making it much more inconvenient.

Anyway, cool. I guess this is the last article I'll ever write. I will pack my things now, I think. When the higher ups asked for an article to encourage people to watch the show Frick, That's Tasty, I don't think this is what they desired. To end this, I will say the show is better than the burger.

Action Bronson has a cooking show on SBS VICELAND. It's called "Fuck That's Delicious." The next episode airs at 8:30 PM, Monday, 13 February.