Coachella: it's been called "the biggest music festival of the year", "Everything", and by one fed up little punk on Urban Dictionary, "the crappy version of Warped Tour". It could perhaps more accurately be described as the Starbucks of music festivals; terrifying in its scope, overpriced, and enjoyed almost exclusively by celebrities and teens. And because celebs and teens are practically renown for their absurd, viral-content-generating behaviour, Coachella has become quite the petri dish for stupid and nonsensical shenanigans. Which is fun to observe. And so without further ado, below is our recap of the weirdest stuff that went down at Coachella's Weekend One.
1. Lifestyles of the rich and uber-shameless.
Regular people take $4,000 helicopter "Ubers" to the festival. That's right. Helicopter rental company Blade joined forces with Uber to shuttle festival-goers with a spare $4k to Coachella in, um, style.
2. Bernie Brofest at Run the Jewels.
Bernie Sanders and Killer Mike are actually so in love that Bernie introduces Run The Jewels via pre-recorded video.
3. A bunch of moms buy new faces.
Three mums get plastic surgery specifically for this year's festival, and participate in the making of an article advertising this information. Procedures they had done included liposuction and collagen injections, with one of them spending upwards of $20,000 on getting "festival ready". The undeniable banger in the story, though, is the following quote: "The draw [of Coachella] is the people that go. It's amazing – we met oncologists, real estate developers, bankers. I was amazed." Someone take this woman to, like, any bar.
4. Sia's entire set.
While Paul Dano, Kristen Wiig and Tig Notaro all joined Sia on stage during her performance, perhaps the weirdest addition were these two backing dancers that wore giant plush animal heads during "Titanium" and proceeded to dance-fight throughout. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
5. Orlando Bloom getting lit to Disclosure.
Orlando Bloom gets wavy to Disclosure and dances exactly how you imagined Orlando Bloom would dance.
6. Kanye rapping for himself and only himself—and no one cares.
Kanye West joins A$AP Rocky on stage and his mic is off. Strangely doesn't make a scene of any kind.
7. Vanessa Hudgens' nails costing more than your entire outfit.
Vanessa Hudgens gets a $190 manicure for the weekend. Meanwhile, I asked my mum if I could borrow four dollars yesterday.
Image from Instagram
8. Kim's basic guide to festival-ing
9. Axl Rose showing his age
Axl Rose performs the whole Guns N' Roses set sitting down with a broken foot, in some kind of Game of Thrones / Rock of Ages hybrid piece of furniture that he apparently borrowed from Dave Grohl. Also doesn't wear nearly as much eyeliner as usual, and is virtually unrecognizable.
10. Taylor Swift's messy alt-mop
Some cheeky punter captures the following photo of Taylor Swift post-rocking tf out to her boyfriend Calvin Harris's set and the world at large must now face the possibility that she's not, in fact, A.I.:
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