What Your Favourite Christmas Song Says About You

There is no genre of music I hate more than Christmas music. It's sappy, annoying, overly reliant on the musical charm of bells and creepily religious. Like it's 2016. Just because I'm in the mall buying multiple copies of the same book for all of my loved ones doesn't mean I need to hear about how God's baby has come to bless all of us sinners.

But I know that I am in the minority on this. The closer we get to the holidays the more people feel comfortable, at work or while preparing dinner, with listening to Christmas music for hours on end until I get snow blindness in my ears. Well I decided no more. I will not take this lying down so I made a list of what your favourite shitty Christmas song says about your shitty self and I hope all my fellow yuletide haters can enjoy this little bit of holiday bile.

You will celebrate Christmas morning the same way you did last year: by having to lie down in the shower.

You are a really into Santa-as-a-badass-barbarian cosplay.

You think that as long as it's a man and woman, it's perfectly fine and normal to be married by a snowman.

Sometimes you go to the airport and watch newly reunited people embrace in the Arrivals area until security asks you to leave.

Nobody ever wants to try the chestnut and chevre appies you bring to Christmas parties and you laugh it off and call them all Scrooges but deep down it hurts.

You think evolution is just one theory among many.

You describe any baby you meet as 'tender and mild' and it's discomforting to the parents.

Your death will involve a fatal mixture of Red Bulls, vodka and tobogganing.

If your worthless, unappreciative sons buy you one more candle as a present, you are getting a bottle of wine, a hotel room downtown and they can figure out how to cook a fucking turkey themselves.

Your secret Santa gift is always a charitable donation in the person you got's name.

You have spent thousands of dollars on designer long johns.

You have thrown up in the bathroom at a Trans-Siberian Orchestra concert before.

You don't think Steve Bannon is racist, just provocative.

You are a pedophile hunter.

You are very cool and pierce your own ears.

You spent all last night trying to take a selfie with your dog wearing fake reindeer antlers but your dog kept knocking them off his head and you got so frustrated you started crying and that's been happening a lot lately.

Just because it's Christmas doesn't mean you can't make this a key party.

You give everyone in your family twenty bucks in an envelope. No card just the cash.

You haven't been the same since Clarence Clemons died.

You are a monster that has fancy house parties and pause them in the middle to make your guests watch your son sing his original songs on an acoustic guitar.

Your year began falling apart when you had to cancel the Magic The Gathering tournament at your house due to a lack of attendance.

You are a very fun mom and last year you completely forgot to buy any presents for one of your sons.

When you watch a movie with other people you always ask them to explain things in the plot that the movie hasn't explained yet.

Whenever it's an unseasonably warm winter day you can't help but bum people out by saying, "Sure it's nice out but that's because we're all straight fucked man."

Sometimes you let somebody have a sip of your eggnog and they go, "Jesus Gene, is there any nog in that thing?" and you both laugh but for a second you see the worry in their eyes and now you can't stop thinking about it.

You bought some cigars to celebrate the holidays but had no idea how big a commitment they are. Seriously this thing is going to take like half an hour to smoke and it's freezing out, what the fuck are we doing?

Your favourite places to eat are authentically grungy diners that used to be scary but then got new owners and are now filled with beautiful people eating chorizo.

You think the best taco bowls are made in Trump Tower Grill.

You've teared up before at the mall's Christmas decorations.

You are in a viciously codependent relationship.

You have a plan. Your crush is coming to a holiday party at your place. You got mistletoe everywhere and eventually the two of you will be standing under it and you'll sheepishly tilt your head up toward it. Then you will shyly kiss and she'll see that what she has been looking for this whole time has been standing there in front of her all along.

You are right. This is the best one.

Follow Jordan Foisy on Twitter.