On Monday, we took you on a bizarro tour of YouTube's greatest piña colada-related offerings. We laughed. We cried. We recoiled. We couldn't imagine another food-related topic yielding stranger results ... but then again, the internet is a living, breathing hivemind and two-decade archive of absurdity, creepiness, sexuality, and everything in between.
Take, for example, the humble watermelon. It's just a massive, green, watery fruit with magenta flesh and shiny black seeds. But through the lens of the all-seeing internet eye, it can become something else entirely.
Join us, friends, as we get weird with watermelon on YouTube.
We start off with a quickie from Poland. A very drunk man has decided to wear a watermelon as a helmet. He is shirtless and his chest is a rug of dark hair. You can sort of see his bits through his clingy red shorts. He swills, or pretends to swill, a bottle of vodka, before "regurgitating" bits of melon all over the table. His friends laugh uproariously.
The video is seven seconds long, and more than 272,000 people have watched it. Many of them, too, have laughed uproariously. What fun with a watermelon!
Here's another happy one. An incredibly morose-looking kitten named Pancake squeaks in a state of longing, terror, or existentialism while left alone on a tabletop. Pancake then notices an upright piece of watermelon and nibbles on it delicately. In the center of Pancake's flat face are his or her disproportionately massive eyes, which seem empty relative to the human gaze.
But what if Pancake is actually a sentient soul in the body of a misunderstood animal, caught in a Kafka-esque dilemma wherein he or she can never be taken seriously again for the rest of life?
Not sure, but hey—that's pretty cute.
Cool, a watermelon-eating contest! I bet that this guy is going to eat so much watermelon.
Here we go.
Oh ... oh wow.
Does this video make you think of frighteningly passionate cunnilingus? Cool, us neither.
Not that this would be the first instance of that comparison—take, for instance, the watermelon scene in The Wayward Cloud.
Should you wish to continue down this particular internet trajectory, you will find ample videos that support the practice of "eating pussy like a watermelon." But as found in the comments section of this particular "song," many young men (and probably women) are, indeed, trying this at home.
"I thought of this when I was going down on my girl and ended up making her orgasm by eating the pussy like a watermelon ... thanks uncle frank," says commenter Daniel Balladares, who is probably under the age of 17 if he is consulting YouTube parody videos for sex tips.
Is eating pussy like a watermelon a good idea? Inconclusive.
Watermelon fetishism continues in a very different form through the wealth of videos of women crushing the fruits with various parts of their bodies.
This very jacked young lady, for example, is capable of juicing that melon with the sheer power of her thighs. But some prefer to watch women use their feet, their derrieres, or even their breasts to smash the melons into pulp. (Apparently, the latter is possible—and you wouldn't believe it unless you saw it with your own two eyes.)
It would be reasonable to express concern at this point that this is somehow a PG version of crush porn, so consider this our declaration of worry. But on the other hand, maybe it's just some people who like to look at smushed fruit ... and what's wrong with that?
Here is a grown man who apparently gets off on reviewing scented candles from Bath & Body Works, as though a "Watermelon Lemonade"-scented candle is something that an adult male would casually buy for his home.
"It still doesn't have the oomph of the Garden Party one from last year," he says. "But if this one goes nationwide, I'm stocking up."
Dude, we hate to be the ones to break the news, but those things are gifts for 14-year-old boys to give to their girlfriends. This is not your business.
This man essentially claims that watermelon juice with a few raspberries in it is "guaranteed to produce an erection within 48 hours." No science needed—this is the real deal if you are suffering from an embarrassing case of ED!
But if that was the case, wouldn't America experience a major boner epidemic on July 5? Or the day after Memorial Day? If this is truly "Natural Viagra," why are all of those horny old suckers shelling out the big bucks for the blue pills?
Some serious questions remain surrounding the brazen claims in this vid.
If you happen to have a boner right now, it's time to kill it.
Watch this ripe, beautiful watermelon deflate into a state of miserable decay and moldiness before your very eyes. Now, that's better. It's just fruit, going through the cycle of life and death. There is something satisfying about the smooth shrivel of the smaller bit, though.
Yesterday, we taught you how to saber the cork out of a Champagne bottle with grace and ease. Here, a gentleman attempts to apply this technique to a whole watermelon that is incredibly foolishly resting on a glass-topped table. Use the ol' bean and take a wild guess about how that turns out for him.
Way to ruin the barbecue, Greg.
Thanks for watching.