Get a Load of This Asshole Coach's Open Letter to Recruits She Doesn't Want

This open letter is nuts.

May 19 2016, 8:10pm

Becky Carlson, the head coach of the women's rugby team at Quinnipiac University, has written a truly remarkable open letter to "the Athlete We Must Stop Recruiting." Carlson used TED Talk job fair site LinkedIn as her publishing platform and, clocking in at over 2,000 words, it is the single most exhaustively preposterous thing you will read today. The long and the short of it is this: Coach Carlson has no interested in coaching or mentoring teenagers who, based on minimal personal and electronic interactions, she deems to be bad kids. Please check out the insane tone to this letter:

Dear Prospective Student-Athlete,

I received your introductory two-line email and read through it. I must say your first sentence was painfully familiar as you introduced yourself by first name only. I assumed if you were trying to make an impression that you would have paid more attention to punctuation but my assumption appears incorrect. While your opening email failed to identify your last name, what year in school you are, where you are from, or what position you play, you managed to include your most pressing question as to whether our team is "giving out scholarships".

That's how it starts. If I were this hypothetical and monstrous student-athlete, I would reply to this coach asking her why she felt it necessary to write me the most passive aggressive letter in the history of the written word. I would also wonder aloud at this rugby coach who expected the Magna fucking Carta in her inbox from a prospective athlete. And no shit I'm looking for a scholarship. Quinnipiac costs $60,000 a year!

A week later, I received a second email with full color resume attachment including your action photos, and a variety of links to related newspaper articles. Each of these items were compiled in an orderly fashion and sent out directly from both your parents' emails.

While it took a bit to thumb through the long list of your impressive extracurricular activities please thank your parents for putting this packet together and understand that it would have been far more beneficial for our staff to speak to you personally by way of an old school phone call. As my staff sent correspondence to your personal email, we have received only a return from your parents apologizing and explaining that you are simply "too busy to answer".

As a word of advice, while many college coaches support parental enthusiasm, initiative taken by the athlete is crucial if you are serious about connecting with a quality program. Our staff explained to your parents that we would prefer to connect with you directly, but they continue to respond on your behalf. This will be a red flag for any coach, so please be aware of this feedback being a possibility from any of your other options.

Is this how you actually talk to people? I know you're the coach and I'm still pretending to be this hypothetical self-absorbed teenager, but this is a pretty dickish way to talk to people and I can almost guarantee that not only will it not have the desired effect, it will produce the exact opposite result you were looking for. Maybe rethink this way of relating to your fellow human. Just a little life advice, while we're giving it out for free.

As we toured the campus I took copious mental notes including a short ponder on how you were too busy for a returned phone call or email to our staff yet, your email-ready smartphone was all but attached to your hand the entire unofficial visit.

Seriously, what is your problem? "Copious mental notes including a short ponder." Here's a pondering of my own: Why didn't you ask me when I was in front of you, instead of fucking copiously pondering to yourself?

Upon your departure, our staff reviewed your stats, strength numbers and transcripts. All are impressive, but of course we had to see you compete. Unfortunately, the highlight film you left us with that was edited to perfection to omit mistakes, was unhelpful.

Despite my reservations, I made the trip to watch your game live so I could determine if your resume matched your talent. After observing only a few minutes of the team warm-up, I noted that you were clearly the most gifted on your squad. However, your talent was unfortunately overshadowed by the lack of energy and effort you displayed.

Be sure to pick up Becky's new book Millenial Athletes and the Case for Legalized Murder Because I Hate Them So Goddamned Much. Just in time for Father's Day, you thoughtless cretins.

We then get a play-by-play of sorts from this hypothetical trip to a hypothetical game and it's the same story. The shitty recruit is a shitty teammate, and maybe doesn't put in the effort, but is clearly the most talented athlete there. Wait until you get a load of the post-game performance, though:

As you are the team captain, I found it disappointing that you did not contribute to the post game team discussion. I watched as your mother brought over snacks and saw that you made no effort to assist her in bringing those large containers of cupcakes from the bleachers out to your 40 other teammates. Last, as the rest of the team broke the field down and put equipment away, you found a quiet spot on the empty bench to text on your phone.

Didn't help mom bring out the cupcakes?????? How can I work with this??? How can I coach this prima donna? Did you see how large those containers were????

The letter then goes on to make small allowances for a 17-year-old being a shithead for a few reasons. One, 17-year-olds are largely shitheads to begin with, and also they have been enabled by bad coaches and parents. I think we should make it clear that Becky Carlson is not one of those bad coaches. She's not going to enable you, buddy. She's not even going to try to coach you. She spends too much time away from her family recruiting and, like, doing other coaching stuff for her to waste time with an immature teenager. Make her job as easy as possible or don't let the door hit you on the way out.

This brings us to the best part: "the 10 things I [Becky] know about athletes like you." I am not going to cut and paste them all because this is already way too long, but I would like you to read the first two snap judgments:

1. Your incredible talent is the same talent that in your sophomore year of college will suddenly suffer an ego blow when a new freshman arrives with equal or greater talent. Battling your feeling of ownership over your position and feeling threatened is inevitable.

2. Rather than working hard to better your game, you are more likely to be the athlete that is constantly comparing your success to others rather than focusing on growth for yourself. This will become a tedious and exhausting process for your coaches and team to constantly have to reassure you of your self worth and value.

After reading this whole thing, I've come to the conclusion that one of us, either myself or Becky Carlson, has seriously misunderstood what it means to be a coach for a living. Who wants a tedious job? NO ONE. Who has a tedious job? EVERYFUCKINGBODY. Even writing this post, having to consider and parse through this terrible, terrible open letter to no one in particular, was fucking tedious, Becky. I want to claw my eyes out.

It makes me sort of embarrassed for you, which is an uncomfortable feeling for me. So if I were a teenage athlete looking to play rugby and I saw the adult coach from Quinnipiac had no interest in teaching and mentoring athletes, so much so that she wrote 2,157 words about it, I would kindly ask my parents to take Quinnipiac off the email list.