Lindsay Lohan, who claims to have had sex. Photo via Flickr user Joel Kramer
Have you ever created a list of all the celebrities you’ve fucked while playing Scattergories with your homegirls? Us neither! But as we all know, none of us is Lindsay Lohan—the perpetually scandal-ridden tabloid star (allegedly) wrote a list out at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and because Lindsay is Lindsay, she forgot the list at the hotel and it found its way to InTouch magazine. The list (which some people think is fake, and Lindsay could always be lying about some of the names, but whatever) resembles the Hollywood Reporter’s power rankings, except, we couldn’t but notice, they’re all out of order. (Also, for some reason Lindsay has excluded her teen love, Aaron Carter. Maybe Lindsay doesn’t consider Aaron a celebrity?) Here’s the list of names from most impressive conquest to least impressive.
1. Heath Ledger (legendary actor, now dead)
“After I win an Oscar, I can start thinking about love,” Lindsay said in 2012 during an interview to promote the Lifetime movie Liz and Dick. Lindsay has clearly done more lovemaking than acting in the last few years, which hasn't helped her quest for a tiny golden man, but that doesn’t really matter: She. Fucked. Heath. Ledger. Who needs an Oscar, or love, when you have that Academy Award–winning, tragically dead notch on your belt?
2. Justin Timberlake (actor/singer/Britney Spears’s former boyfriend)
There’s a theory that if two girls have sex with the same boy they become “vagina sisters” and feel each other’s emotions for the rest of their lives. Considering Lindsay banged pop-star-turned-Tennessee-Williams-character Britney Spears’s first kiss, it’s no wonder her life fell apart! You’d be crazy too if you felt what Britney felt when she recorded “personal” songs with Will.i.am.
3. Colin Farrell (actor/hot Irish drunk)
That encounter must have been like two drunken, insane, attention-starved ships passing in the night. By the way, have you seen Colin Farrell’s dick pics?
Colin Farrell: NOT A VIRGIN, sez LiLo. Photo via Flickr user GabboT
4. Joaquin Phoenix (Oscar-nominated actor/performance artist)
I can imagine Lindsay fucking Joaquin while thinking that he was in love with her—or, at least, that the relationship would help her get cast in a P. T. Anderson film, but I can also imagine them meeting while Joaquin was stumbling around Chateau Marmont in a dirty suit, rambling about rap music, in the name of performance art.
5. Adam Levine (singer/judge on The Voice)
He’s a tough one to rank. I mean, no matter what you think of The Voice, LOOK AT THESE FUCKING ABS.
6. Zac Efron (former Disney Channel star)
Yes, he’s the most attractive man in the world. But is Zac Efron’s career more depressing than Lindsay Lohan’s? After thrusting his pelvis while throwing sand in the air in High School Musical, he starred in a string of Nicholas Sparks–inspired romantic flops. Nobody cared when Zac entered rehab for a coke addiction last year, and this week he said he wants to star in a High School Musical reunion, which is not a good sign. It’s off brand for Lindsay to fuck such a failure, I thought, but then I remembered Zac wearing wet white briefs in _The Paperboy _and reconsidered. Oh, and she misspelled his name on the list :(
7. Max George (B-list version of Harry Styles)
Fucking a guy from the Wanted, a poor man’s One Direction, is not something to brag about to your girlfriends. It’s conceivable, however, that Max George, unlike Justin or Heath, bragged about it to his buddies afterwards—in fact, I think his appearance on this list bumps his Q score up a few points.
Did Max George (second from right) really... have sex?!?! Photo via Flickr user Joella Marano
8. Wilmer Valderrama (That ‘70s Show star)
He had sex with Lindsay when she was a teenager and he was 24, and he had the fucking chutzpah to insult her after they broke up, reportedly saying her vagina was “the Ellis Island of Hollywood,” in that everyone passed through it. He sounds like such a piece of shit that he ought to rank lower on the list—except hasn’t everyone had a fantasy involving Fez from That’s ‘70s Show?
9. Garrett Hedlund (Friday Night Lights actor)
He’s not really an A-lister, true, but if you’re ever given the chance to have sex with someone who is famous for being really, really good-looking, you have to take that shot—evolution just hard-wired the human brain that way.
10. Jamie Dornan (Fifty Shades of Grey actor)
This is the dude who is playing billionaire Christian Grey in the movie adaption of E. L. James’s S&M-erotica-for-aunties megahit, which means he’s the guy giving flesh to millions of bored middle-aged women’s fantasies. It seems weird to actually have sex with someone like that.
11. Ryan Rottman (TeenNick star)
Now we’re in the territory of people who aren’t even really famous—as in, if you told your friend, “I fucked Ryan Rottman!” she’d be like, “Who?” and you’d go, “Uhhh, he’s an actor, most known for his role as Joey Colvin on the TeenNick series Gigantic, which premiered on October 8, 2010.” Then she’d go, “Wait, are you just reading his Wikipedia page?” and you’d have to admit that you didn’t know who Ryan Rottman was either.
12. Nico Tortorella (Scream 4 actor)
Even lower on the totem pole than Rottman is this dude, who got shot in the groin in Scream 4. He’s hot and all, but not like Zac Efron hot.
James Franco is an artist, writer, and actor, but is he also... a haver of sex?! Photo via Flickr user Alice Barigelli
13. Evan Peters (American Horror Story actor)
Dude looks like the kid at the private high school who sells acid. Normal people could bang this guy, I bet.
14. Jamie Burke (singer/model)
Every single woman in New York City ends up having a brief relationship with a long-haired singer/model/actor/whatever/usually also a bartender. There’s normally a bunch of cocaine and cigarettes and disappointingly shitty sex—years later, the woman’s friends will be like, “Remember [man’s name]? I mean, come on.” The woman will respond either by saying, “I was 22! I had a drinking problem!” or by pretending she doesn’t even remember the guy’s name. I wonder what strategy LiLo uses.
15. Paul Charles "PC" Valmorbida (a “photographer turned entrepreneur”)
On shows like Celebrity Rehab, there is always a mysterious douchebag trust-fund kid whose only claim to fame is his rich dad, grandpa, or uncle’s fortune, which he's squandered while attending parties with celebrities like Paris Hilton in an effort to become famous himself. It turns out that occasionally this guy has sex with Lindsay Lohan.
16. Lukas Haas (Leonardo Dicaprio’s best friend)
The only thing more depressing than considering a “photographer turned entrepreneur” a famous sexual conquest is considering Leonardo Dicaprio’s best friend a famous sexual conquest.
17. Guy Berryman (Coldplay bassist)
The hot guy from Coldplay is still, at bottom, a guy from Coldplay.
18. James Franco (VICE columnist)
Having sex with some dude who writes for VICE isn’t that big of a deal.