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Vice Blog

Tidbits

Thanks to some dickweed named Allah and all his gay friends, you don't get cutlery on planes anymore. Now you just get some shitty turkey wrap that you have to eat with your hands.

by VICE Staff
Dec 1 2004, 12:00am

TIDIBITS (SPECIAL EDITION: AIRPLANE CUTLERY)

1. ANA (Japan)
Thanks to some dickweed named Allah and all his gay friends, you don't get cutlery on planes anymore. Now you just get some shitty turkey wrap that you have to eat with your hands. ANA had really nice cutlery, and you could eat hot noodles with it while you watched the plane take off and land on a big video screen. It was like going to a rich guy's house for a sleepover.

2. BRITISH AIRWAYS
As far as stabbing people goes, British Airways used to have the best knives around. You could really grip those blue-handled suckers and sink it into a pilot if you wanted to … but now you can't.

3. UNITED (America)
This one's up there with British Airways as one of the most potentially dangerous terrorist weapons. Though it doesn't have that fantastic blue handle, it's got a nice fish-scale texture that really helps the grip.

4. TURKISH
These elegantly crafted daggers were so fucking deadly you wouldn't even have to get up from your chair. You could just yell out, "I'm hijacking this plane and if anyone has a problem with that I will whip one of these deadly ninja things right into your head." And then everyone would do whatever you wanted.

5. IBERIA (Spain)
This is the soccer hooligan airline of choice, and soccer hooligans don't need weapons. All they need is a few cans of lager so they can shout chants like "When I was just a little boy / My father bought me my favorite toy / A [insert rival team] fan on a piece of string / And told me to kick his fucking head in / Fucking head in / Fucking head in / He told me to kick his fucking head in." Seriously, that's a real chant.

6. LUFTHANSA (Germany)
Lufthansa didn't have very good knives but their spoons were thick and stubby, so if you were really strong you could put the round part in your palm and use it as a blunt, skull-popping device.

7. CONTINENTAL (America)
They had pretty good knives, but Continental's spoons were so perfectly shaped they were much more dangerous. The things were like steel baseball bats with giant round plates at the end, and if a terrorist wanted to take over the plane he could just bumrush the cockpit and be like, "gong," to one guy and then, "gong," to the other guy, and they'd both be like, "zzzzzz," and then he could go, "nnnnnrrr," until the whole shit went, "pkkkkksshhhhhrashboom!"

8. SCANDINAVIAN
They never had knives because it was always cold sandwiches and stuff, but their spoons were so beautiful they made you want to go to design school. You'd just be sitting there looking at the mountains and sipping tea with your rye bread. Those were the days.
 


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