VICE Mail

ANALOG MAIL

We don’t know what she’s talking about, but this is the first handwritten letter we’ve gotten in years and look how pretty it is. It’s like an antique. I wonder if she used a feather dipped in ink to write it.

PRO-BONER

Hey,

What is it about North American photo protocol that dictates the abolishment and concealment of HARD-ONs, even in underwear, or in suits or jeans? Why is it obscene to you folks on this side of the pond? What else am I supposed to do at the strip joint?

You seem to talk about everyone else and everything else, and just about anything else goes, but oh, no, don’t walk through Manhattan with a boner! Oh, the cops will stop yah!!! What’s a cutie-pie guy like me to do? Cut it off like the censorship blues that you and yours seem to heckle all the time like sand in my crack at the beach?

RUMGOATROSES

Via Vice.com

Look, we’re not mad at hard, throbbing, turgid penises. We just want to keep advertisers in the magazine and that’s the one thing all of our clients fear. It’s a shame because, in our opinion, each and every cock is a work of art.

ARE YOU THERE, GOD?

IT’S ME, ROGER JAGOO

To

Vice

:

“Confession,” by Roger Jagoo:

Every step, every look, I still fall. Why? What the fuck, God? Why, why me? Yeah, you take and take. Such a beautiful love you have shown me, I can’t wait to return the favor. Oh fuck me, just you wait. All mighty ominous one. You will see, I am your creation and you are created in me. Angels fell from the sky when I was born. Oh sorry, my bad, I forgot any angel that spoke up against you, you destroyed them all. Sorry, you did save one. You’re one funny god. Sometimes I feel like you’re such a cunt. You saved the one you loved, what’s the name again? Ahh yes, the Morning Star. Why you saved that angel again, to judge mankind just in case you’re wrong? Hahahaha, you are one funny motherfucker. Free will, right? That’s what it’s called, the ability to choose my own path, just like a… hmmm, oh yes, a fuckin god. But what, why then… judge me, why condemn me… for not kissing your ass… tell me, fuckin tell me… Slave… a fuckin slave, is this the gift of free will? What a fuckin gift. You just destroyed me.

ROGER JAGOO

Via email

Hey everyone, try reading this letter aloud in the voice of the French saboteur kid from the South Park movie. See if you can get through the whole thing without laughing. We can’t.

DADDY ISSUES

Dear

Vice

,

I just found out that there is an over-the-counter home paternity test available at all Rite Aid locations (except for NY, sorry). I think one of you should get off your ass, cross the state line, and pick one of these things up to tell us all if they really work. They’re produced by a company called Identigene, with an initial cost of $30. The kit includes a swab, a consent form, and an envelope. You swab yourself then you mail it in for the actual testing, which costs an additional $119.

Sincerely,

JARED

Via email

PS: I don’t mean to sound prejudicial, but am I the only one who finds it hard to believe that the kind of people who would be buying this have 149 extra clams sittin’ around? Because I’ll probably end up that kind of person, and I don’t.

They should find a way to turn it into a board game. Then we’d buy it.

SEX SNOOP

Dear editor,

This idiot has the glass backward. The ear goes

in

the glass, and the

bottom

goes against the wall. Your photographer Patrick O’Dell should have helped the guy. “I could not hear the people fucking upstairs, thanks to your nonhelpful photographer.” This photograph does me no good, the way it is. You have no right calling the magazine

Vice

if the photographer can’t even catch the sound of people fucking.

Thanks for nothing,

MORGAN WRIGHT

Middle Grove, NY

Your ear goes in the glass? Ha ha ha. Wrong! And now your folly is engraved in the halls of time forever (or at least until every copy of this issue gets thrown in a landfill somewhere, which is actually scheduled to happen sometime next week).