JEREMY SCOTT FOR LONGCHAMP BAGS
He did a bunch of them but this one is the best because it’s a huge tote that can be folded up all teensers.
PEEL-OFF FACE MASK
Muddy face masks are a pain to wash off and they make the whole sink messy. When you can peel it off in one big piece it’s clean, satisfying, and fun (because you can do this thing where you pretend you’re peeling off a fake identity like in spy movies).
AGENT PROVOCATEUR CASHMERE UNDERWEAR
You could put this on a cadaver in Darfur and it would look hot.
Baby-doll dresses without knee-highs are like transsexuals. They look really good, but if you glance down you see something that’s disappointing. Don’t be a dick. Wear knee-highs.
She’s a porn star, she’s a model, she fucked Jeff Koons, she took over the Italian parliament, she has the weirdest eyebrows we’ve ever seen, and she’s fucking funny. Cicciolina isn’t an inspiration to women—she is women.
ROSEBUD LIP BALM
This shit can go toe to toe with that Bag Balm shit any day.
BAD GAL EYELINER
This stuff goes on thick and is totally waterproof so you don’t have to worry about looking like Tammy Faye every time you watch Love Story.
We got this for $30 from Wrapables.com because on a scale of 1 to 10 this is about a “cute.”
BABY-DOLL DRESS FROM FOREVER 21
These make every girl look skinny because they move your waist to right under your tits where it’s about as thin as a torso can get. And don’t sleep on Forever 21. It’s coming up, yo. H&M and Top Shop better recognize!
VIVIENNE WESTWOOD BOOTS
We heard they’re not in New York anymore because she hates US foreign policy so we asked a rep there and she said, “Though Vivienne is very angry about the War on Terror, the reason we’re not in New York has nothing to do with that. The New York store was run by Japanese investors and after 9/11 they got cold feet and pulled out.” So we can only get these on eBay because Japanese people are chickens? Nice.
If you’ve got $50 you can get this from any of those small photo booths the Mexicans run on Alvarado Street in LA (they’ll ask for $100 but they don’t mean it).
Those stand-alone machines with the 5" screens are for chumps. We got this off acekaraoke.com for just over $200. It doubles as a DVD player, plays through your TV, and can take an infinite number of songs. Your neighbors will hate you but that’s the price you pay for making your place The Spot.
Winner: KITTEN LAMP