VICE Mail

SHRED IN THE FACE

To Whom It May Concern:

I bought some nice clothes at an American Apparel store in Camarillo, California. The gentleman was very helpful and courteous. He put this disgusting magazine in my bag and had I known what was in it, I would not have purchased the clothing!

Why would anyone put the most putrid things in a magazine not knowing what little hands it might come across? Does anyone there have a clue? How would you feel if your child/children got ahold of this smut and read it without you knowing about it? Huh?

Enclosed you will find your low-grade, disgusting, immoral, hell-bound magazine. And what I could not put in this envelope, I put in the stinking trash!!!!!

By the way, I am going to tell everyone I know not to shop at American Apparel for the reason that your so-called “

Vice

magazine” is there and the clerk just might slip it in the bag without you knowing it!!!!

Good riddins [sic]

Vice

!

Sincerely,

A Very Dissatisfied Customer

333 God’s Way

Heavenbound, CA

Wow, you called us hell-bound! Nobody has called anybody that in real life since reverends were taking heavy-metal bands to court in the mid-80s. But now that it’s happened to us, we can safely say that being called hell-bound feels amazing! What else are we? Servants of Satan? Are we blasphemers too? Not really, I guess. But here, hold on… “Jesus sucks old Lucifer’s bright red cock in hell and then little Virgin Marys crawl up Jesus’s ass and suck out his Jesus shit.” How’s that? Now you can call us blasphemers too. Seriously, write back!

I’LL BE BATH

Dear

Vice

,

I have a morning ritual that I need to share. I call it “The Terminator.” First I crouch down in the shower in the classic “naked terminator traveling through time” pose. With my eyes closed I crouch there for a minute, visualizing either Arnold or the guy from the second movie (not the chick in the third one because that one sucked) and I start to hum the

Terminator

theme. Then I slowly rise to a standing position and open my eyes. It helps me to proceed through my day as an emotionless cyborg badass. The only problem is if the shower curtain sticks to my terminator leg.

ANONYMOUS

Via Viceland.com

That’s pretty fucking good actually. We’re going to try that.

MERRY XMAS, HENRI

Hello from Finland to

Vice

magazine!

I would really appreciate if you had couple of minutes to read my email. This is very important to me.

This following Christmas I would like to give my boyfriend a present that he would really genuinely love (not always red wine, too easy). This is not an easy task to accomplish, but yesterday this fantastic idea came to my head: As a huge fan (read: extremely huge) of your magazine, he has mentioned many times that his biggest dream as a journalist is that someday he would be able to write a good story for

Vice

magazine.

This might be a little bizarre suggestion (but I’ve gotten the idea that you are a very open-minded magazine and willing to carry out new ideas) but here’s my plan: At some point before Christmas you would send him an email or, what would be even better, a real paper letter. This letter could include something like: “Santa and brownies have heard his wishes and he has been invited to write a story to

Vice

as a guest editor…” (…and then you could continue the letter as you want).

If all this was possible, then of course you’d decide what he would write. So please find out if you have some interests from Helsinki or the rest of Finland (weird things happen around here) or surely you can also let him decide. Either way I’m sure he would be the happiest man ever to be a guest editor of

Vice

. Actually he wrote a little story in the

Vice

Guide to Helsinki last spring. The article’s name is “The Metal Capital of the World.” His name is Henri Anundi, if you want to check. I have to tell you that he was thrilled just even about that story and possibility.

He’s currently working for the biggest publisher in Finland (Sanoma magazines) as a freelance editor. He’s also working for European Music Television (Finland) as a video jockey on

Headbanger’s Ball

. So at least experience shouldn’t be a problem :-)

Please inform me if this “present” is possible or not. I am anyways glad if you have time to reply me something. I would also like to keep my part in this as a secret from him if this thing happens really.

Thank you so much in advance, looking forward to hear from you soon.

Best regards,

TIIA RAUHAMÄKI

Helsinki, Finland

Maybe what Henri really needs for Christmas is for his girlfriend to stop making him look like a little bitch (and in the pages of his “favorite” magazine no less). What are you going to do for him on his birthday? Wipe his ass and chew his food?

GEAR CRISIS

Hello,

I hope this gets to the appropriate person as I have taken great lengths to find this. I was reading the

Vice

Second Annual Fiction Issue and there was an ad for ONEDIST with a black-and-white picture of a shirtless gentleman wearing a Kr3w hooded sweatshirt with two top pockets in what appeared to be a plaid (I could be wrong). The question is: WHAT IS THE MODEL NUMBER, NAME, ETC., THAT I MAY FORWARD TO KR3W THEMSELVES SO THAT I MAY PURCHASE THAT HOODIE? I have to have that hoodie. I am a slave to compulsions. Please forward any appropriate info that you may have on such item.

Thanks in advance,

KEVIN WARD

Via email

Ugh. It’s cool that you want to support companies that advertise in the magazine and everything, but did you really need to write us about tracking down a fucking hoodie? Google the company name or something, Kevin. Or, alternately, take a long look in the mirror and think about your priorities.

DOOBIE BROTHERS

Vice

,

I met a guy in Somerset, UK, at an All Tomorrow’s Parties show out there. His name is Mick. He is from the UK but lives in Amsterdam. I found something that said he might have been an editor for you guys. Any chance you know him? I’d love to thank him for the blunt he gave me.

Word boogie,

JASON

Via email

We fired that guy because he kept giving “blunts” to “douches” at “festivals.”