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Tax Hikes, Coal Fires, and a War With the Moon: Australia This Is Your 2016

Spoiler alert: Here's a month-by-month guide to what will happen next year.

Image via Wikicommons

2015 may not yet be over, but what of its sequel, 2016? What can we expect as we pass the halfway mark of the 2010s, edging ever closer to a decade that will be far easier to nickname? For those unconcerned with spoilers, we present a month-by-month guide to what's in store for Australia in the coming year.

January

Tony Abbott is back in the news when Greece's National Dawn party attempts to distance itself from his "extremist views". Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, now enjoying a surge in the polls from an Australian public suddenly reminded of The Before Time, calls an early election and wins easily. Suffering from funding cuts, the ABC cuts to a static broadcast signal for twenty minutes on election night, which commentators mistake for Bill Shorten's concession speech. The speech is later published in a collection by Penguin Books.

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February

As promised, January's election came with a plebiscite on gay marriage. Balking at the predicted $160 million cost of a standalone plebiscite, the Government holds it concurrent with the general election at the low, low price of $44 million. It is a decisive victory for plebiscite fans, with 61 percent of Australians voting "yes" in answer to the question "Should we definitely have a plebiscite at some point to decide something in regards to gay marriage?". Plebiscite advocate Warren Entsch MP applauds the result, telling reporters that he hopes this will lead to a future where plebiscites enjoy the same rights as elections, referenda, and polls. Prime Minister Julie Bishop flies a monochromatic rainbow flag from Parliament House, the flag that has universally come to represent the noble plebiscite.

March

With the United Kingdom, France and Germany all pledging military support to the United States and its action against Iran, Australia is pressured to join the coalition. Prime Minister Scott Morrison commits seven open-roof submarines and thirty-four flightless helicopters to Operation Completist, which begins when new documents reveal that Iran had masterminded John Kerry's 2015 bicycle crash.

April

After months of debate, the GST is finally raised to 20 percent. Some criticise the GST hike as being a tax on the poorest in the community, making food and essential products increasingly expensive for a middle class already struggling to pay the bills. Prime Minister Wyatt Roy addresses criticisms by lowering the GST on tampons to 19 percent.

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May

The High Court rules in favour of Adani when the company is sued by groups protesting its proposed coal mining operations in the sea otter exhibit at Melbourne Zoo. The Court finds no reason for Adani to not drill inside the enclosure, with additional exploration taking place inside the otters themselves, who are confirmed by the Institute for Public Affairs to be a coal-rich species. The Court's decision is strongly supported by Prime Minister Gerard Henderson.

June

More controversy for the ABC's Q&A program as News Ltd papers reveal the show flew in key members of ISIS to be part of the audience, all on the taxpayer's dime. ISIS is given fifty minutes of air time to shout at everyone on the panel and monologue about its holy war against the West. With little time remaining, host Tony Jones devotes the rest of the program to Greens leader Senator Richard Di Natale, who outlines his new Pot-For-Preschoolers policy. Q&A is immediately boycotted by Prime Minister Karl Stefanovic, who later admits that his non-compete clause would have prevented him from appearing anyway.

July

Having been thwarted in his attempts to defect to the National Party in December, Liberal MP Ian Macfarlane is further frustrated when LNP leadership blocks his membership to a neighbourhood book club. These schisms put further pressure on the already-shaky government of Prime Minister Bachelorette.

August

Facing cost blowouts and an increasingly-delayed completion date, a new proposal for the National Broadband Network is put forward by Prime Minister The Ghost Of Harold Holt. The new NBN system will resemble the Roman aqueduct system, with desired information piped into cities and towns via the flow of gravity, and unwanted information diverted into natural river systems. Internet Service Providers are forced to construct gigantic dams in order to comply with mandatory data retention. The estimated cost of the NBN blows out to seventy billion denari.

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September

Australia's policy of mandatory offshore detention for asylum seekers reaches a tipping point as Nauru, Manus, and Christmas Island finally reach critical mass. Faced with the prospect of actually having to resettle people fleeing violence in Australia, the government heroically finds a way to not do that at all, and formulates a deal with the newly-legitimised Islamic State to house the refugees in camps within the Former Syrian Territories. The deal is considered a strategic win for Prime Minister Makybe Diva.

October

Australia takes another step towards renewal energy, using the sun's rays to set fire to enormous deposits of coal, and natural wind energy to fan the flames. Australia fulfills the protocols it agreed to at COP21 in Paris, which is to have just enough people alive to attend COP22 in Marrakesh. It is considered a defining moment for Prime Minister Kevin Rudd.

November

Donald Trump is declared the winner of the US Presidential election, and gives one of the all-time great victory speeches, which is just terrific. Ambassador Joe Hockey is there, continuing to represent the government he has spent a year plotting his revenge against. Trump receives phone calls of congratulations from all world leaders, including Prime Minister Gabi Grecko, who promises military support for Trump's war against the moon.

December

It's been a fantastic year for Australia. Its newly-built highways diverted destructive flooding southward towards destructive bushfires. The housing bubble continued to grow, with a jar of Bondi dirt fetching $3 million at auction. It's also a cultural bonanza, as Prince Philip wins the Archibald Prize with an accidental photocopy of his right hand, and Russell Crowe's The Water Diviner picks up the AACTA award for Best Film for the third year running. The new Prime Minister calls it "the Year of, uh, of, uh, Miracles, it's the Year of Miracles", before biting into an onion and winking into camera.

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