How to Raise Hip Kids

Here are a few fun tips for how to prepare your children for the tribulations of adult life (or what approximates it in the chicer parts of Brooklyn):

-Teach your kids the elements of style by posting candid photos of their outfits to the internet. Use aggressive, badgering captions like, "Wearing a Bob the Builder t-shirt with a Dora the Explorer backpack makes you more of a tool than Scoop and Map combined." This will remind them not to look like a tool later in life.

-Attach the liner notes to LCD Soundsystem's This is Happening to the mobile over your baby's crib. This way, he or she will be "over it" by Pre-K.

-Keep your kids from following drab social norms by reinforcing stricter "alternative" social norms. Remember, anti-intellectualism is just a thinly veiled form of hyper-intellectualism. Make sure they’re total dicks about that.

-Forego reading traditional bedtime stories in favor of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest. This will be a good chance for you to finally finish Infinite Jest, and they will definitely fall asleep.

-Lemonade stands are played out. Have your kids throw an ironic fashion show to raise money. Remember, promotion is everything—offer an open bar from 11 PM to midnight.

-Before embarking on family outings (camping trips, baseball games, what-have-you), take a few hits of acid. This will help them go by faster while really slowing things down. Make sure your best friend from college is there is to take photos (for internet).

-They’re never too young for a Motörhead sleeve tattoo.

-Encourage your kids to take up charity work. Send them to some war-torn shit hole and have them make a documentary series in which they interview refugees while wearing different combinations of hats and ear gauges.

-Here’s a timesaving tip for the entire family: all religions are fake.

-Try not to do this.

-Jeggings/brunch, etc

@benjaminkorman