Barely Legal Aliens

Take a stroll down Robson or Seymour Street at any given time and you’re bound to stumble into a disoriented foreign student looking to make friends with a “real” Canadian. If you’re desperate for some shallow camaraderie, befriending an international student is at least a step up from posting an ad in the “strictly platonic” section of Craigslist. A lot of these students are seriously homesick and disappointed with their assigned Filipino-run homestays, so it could pay off to say hello. Here’s a quick who’s-who to help you along your way.

Japanese Guys: These dudes are probably the most approachable—generally pretty liberal and willing to immerse themselves in Canadian culture. They’re often skaters and graffitists too and probably wouldn’t act confused if you offered them a joint. If you go out drinking and one of them falls asleep on you, don’t take it personally—their genes have unfortunately bequeathed them the alcohol tolerance of an eight-year-old.

Japanese Girls: Easy to spot: They’ve got this weird pigeon-toed walk and always let their purse hang in the crook of their elbow. Most of them, even the hot ones, frequently make this retarded facial expression when you say anything remotely confusing or funny. Sort of a just-bit-into-a-sour-warhead meets jolly-Buddha-smile squnch. Apparently, due to cultural conditioning they have a difficult time saying no to things, so, uh, don’t take advantage of them, ya hear us, guy? Korean Guys: These dudes are desperate to make friends with Canadians and mention, to no end, that they want a Canadian girlfriend. Um, good luck. Most of them are super-conservative and have the maturity of a seven-year-old (even though, or perhaps because they’re all fresh from their two-year, mandatory military service back home). Ask them what kind of music they listen to and nine times out of ten they’ll respond “love ballads.”

Photo by Dale De Ruiter

Korean Girls: Just because you see them walking down Robson hand in hand with their girl-pals don’t assume they’re rushing home to rub privates. A lot of them consider homosexuality a “Western tradition.” Unfortunately, a lot of them aren’t too much fun because they’re “depressed” or “sleepy” most of the time. Like their male counterparts, they aren’t so hip to our liberal ways and will make ridiculous claims like that all homeless people are just lazy and shouldn’t be addicted to marijuana. Pfft. Brazilian Girls: These gals take studying English about as seriously as their fashion (Reeboks, tight faded jeans, and multi-colored sweaters are the uniform), so it’s no problem getting them out drinking even on a Monday night. Club promoters are wise to this and some of Vancouver’s struggling bars (Sonar, Aqua) even have special Brazilian-themed “parties” with cheap booze and plenty of dirty-dancing (light on the Baile Funk, heavy on the Disco Samba).  Brazilian Guys: Homeboys have to be the loudest group of people in the Western world. Get ten of these dudes together and you’ll be deaf for a month. Not only that, they are incredibly hyper and horny, and often a bit too much to take. They are on Carnival-time all the time, so be ready to step out if you step up.