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Books with Blurbs by Bono, Thomas Kinkade, and Tyler Perry

So many book blurbs seem as if they were written by someone under deep hypnosis, or by an autistic robot with a PhD in tickling.

Blurbs on books are traditionally supposed to motivate interest in reading the whole thing—or at least forking over money with the intent to finish reading—and yet somehow very often blurbs seem as if they were written by someone under deep hypnosis, or by an autistic robot with a PhD in tickling. Another tour de force coming-of-age warning signal for our times, anybody? No, me neither. Alternatively, and with the assistance of three blurbing scholars David Fishkind, Kristen Iskandrian, and Andrew James Weatherhead, here is a list of blurbs for books we’d likely much rather read.

"They say a picture is worth a thousand words. If so, this novel is worth 55 pictures." -Gary Shteyngart

"I read the whole thing standing up." -Bono

"My dick turned into a brain. My soul turned into three dicks." -Robert Coover

"Like." -Tom from Myspace

"Blazed against the gleaming anus of autonomy, [author's name] offers a Pu Pu platter of salvation to our American invalids, whose years of orifices gushing forth bland analogies, used feminine products of misinformation, have left the ascetics like the massed erections of some foreign future cult or the difficulty of acquiring quality dim sum in Berlin; in [book title]'s pages we all find a little bit of the soft tissue we've wiped away, warily and with little or no deviation in clandestine rooms, with reams of paper much too rough and thin." -Toni Morrison

"I may be the bull god, but I also like to read about faggots getting their asses beat. This book wasn't about that, but let's say it was, and that I loved it." -Kid Rock

"Page 59 gave me a paper cut that I've yet to recover from." -Author's diabetic brother

“I cut my chicken with this novel. I cut my whole life open. It is as essential as hair, necessary as the ribald tide. Taste it on your lips and in your cavernous gash, you slavering dogs.” –Jhumpa Lahiri

“A bird flies to a window. A bird flies in the shape of a fist. Take off your shirt and sit in the kitchen with [author’s name] for a little while. Forget the reason you got a haircut. Forget reason. Slowly reach for the crotch of your jeans. Do it, don’t think.” –James Frey

“Bop it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it. Pull it.” –Bop It

"Reading it, I became a tunnel through which a strong wind blew. This is a carminative for your every chakra." -Deepak Chopra

"Pinnacle achievement of everything that appeals and nothing that offends. Destined to be a popular classic. I eagerly await the rest of the series." -Thomas Kinkade (RIP)

"This book is like if Lebron James contracted the HIV virus and took the road not traveled by Magic Johnson: He kept playing and, a short while later, he died." -John Ashbery

“Your body is a wonderland. I thought these words for years after the song. [Author's name]’s mosaic of a novel has got me stuck on "your body is a wonderful," and baby, I wonder why.” -Jonathan Lethem

"Bollocks, that's good pudding." -J.K. Rowling

"In praxis molded pre-postcolonially along prior faultlines of our boudoir-themed monomania, Terry Beanbat's Orphan City, Ophan Siphon obliterates the semi-conscious membranes surrounding all catalysts' vegetative prancing, and in an ecstatic hybridity somewhere between cave drawings and O'Toole deinfantilizes the primary terrariums of our longest-lasting, burning conbabulaxisis." -Terry Beanbat

"These days, I don't like doing anything I can't do in child's pose." -Joyce Carol Oates

"Alveolate, broad, chambered, chasmal, commodious, concave, curved inward, deep, deep-set, echoing, gaping, huge, resonant, reverberant, roomy, sepulchral, socketed, spacious, sunken, vast, wide, yawning." –Cavernous, thesaurus.com

"It took me on a journey from the whims of childhood to the oppressive labyrinth of late middle age." -The Bildungsroman Review

"The service was poor, the entrees oily, and our location—downwind from the men's room—less than savory. Still, and despite the toenail on the table, I will be back and back again." -Yelp

"I'm afraid we'll have to push the surgery forward. I've never given myself the time to get well groomed before these things, but I'll say this much about this much. I'd like to give [book's title] a great blurb, even compare [author's name] to the late great so-and-so, but I've got a date with a beanie and a glass of port, and as far as the surgery goes, I'm afraid that may need to be pushed forward." -Rick Moody

"Consistently responsible use of prepositions." -Strunk, via White

"My dad screws for money, I screw for money, how much money do you have?" -A salad with blackened chicken slices and ranch

"It's feeding time. And the dogs are hungry." -Bret Easton Ellis

"Is Megavideo down for life, or is it just, like, a temporary thing?" -Bret Easton Ellis

"[Author's name]'s [book title] will have you questioning every facet of your suburban life to the point where I come over, sell back your adopted cat, throw away all the soccer balls from your garage, and start work on your husband's third affair. These are words for you to get weird to on the commuter train." -Esquire

"From one room, the scorch of gratitude. From another, the chillblains of envy. I read this as I read everything: charitably." -Marilynne Robinson

"Glycerine." -Bush

"Golden, golden; enormous beautiful sunrises repeating holographically through me; I lay prostate on a bed of syllabic down; I can't remember anyone I've loved since now; what am I going to do tomorrow but stand in a long white likeness of daylight and pretend anything can happen again; I want thy overflowing cup for mine, you gorgeousness." -Dave Mustaine

“Sometimes I eat white chocolate for hours, sometimes I read book. In this case I read book.” -Craig from craigslist

"It gave me ideas." -Tyler Perry

@blakebutler