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Boyle's Brains - Billy Zane’s Inner Monologue Upon Hearing Five Songs

The bass in "Zero" really comes out when you're waiting for James Spader in a marijuana-scented basement.


“September” by Earth Wind and Fire, on the radio while driving home from a failed search for an adaptor for his external hard drive.

Target looks like it has everything but really it’s just clean and well designed. Target always smells like Target. Why do they… What is this, I’ve heard this before. A movie trailer. It’s from a trailer. Did I download this? It’s definitely in a trailer, maybe also Boogie Nights. Trailer for Boogie Nights. Jesus, would the deli have adaptors? That wall of stuff behind the counter seems to contain electronics. Why hasn’t P.T. Anderson asked me to be in a movie yet? I need to do a play. I need to be on Oprah. Did Oprah retire? Seems like she retired. She’s still alive. Was I on Oprah? If I’m in a play then I can be in a P.T. Anderson movie. Artistic integrity. I’ll never be on Oprah. I could’ve been a dentist.


“Zero” by the Smashing Pumpkins as he and James Spader enter a marijuana-scented basement with an L-shaped sofa, huge flat-screen TV, empty aquarium, and three men standing around a pool table.

We’re definitely going to be down here longer than ten minutes. He always says “Less than 10 minutes, I promise, we’re just saying ‘hi.’” It’s never just 10 minutes. I could’ve waited in the car. Didn’t know this song had so much bass.


“Saturday in the Park” by Chicago, at 1:26 AM in an unnamed bar he’s been sitting in for three hours and doesn’t remember walking into.

I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life I hate my life “A man selling ice cream?”


“Ray of Light” by Madonna as he’s eating alone at an American food-themed restaurant in Poland after staying awake for 63 hours.

The only way anyone could prove it’s not 1864 is if they said “No, it’s 2011.” What century am I in? What is a century? Century. No one pays attention to how old insects live. Do they all just live for a day or what? Seems like they’re all just the same bug. Every day. Never dying. Every bug that’s alive today has been alive since the Earth started. Could anyone disprove that? Can anyone really prove this isn’t the 17th century? What are pumpkins? Are pumpkins legumes?


“Badd” by Mike Jones, Mr. Collipark, and Ying Yang Twins on his iPod shuffle while watching TV commercials on mute and running on his treadmill.

“Performance Fleece,” what the hell is that? Want to backhand every person to ever buy performance fleece. But they won’t know it’s me. It won’t even be me. It’ll just be the wind or something. Oh I get it, he’s looking for a dime, like a “10.” He’s looking for a 10. Clever. Mike Jones. Mike Jones would not buy performance fleece. Such an embarrassing sounding word, “fleece.” The backhand will happen the exact moment the person buys the fleece. “Oh look, not just fleece, fleece that performs! Gotta get my hands on this!” No, it’d be better if they were backhanded randomly. I want to be there for it. Wish I could rap. Could I try rapping? Rap videos have dogs in them sometimes. The dogs never do anything. In my rap video I’d be chasing dogs. Shooting dogs. I’d run past people and they’d get backhanded. Some slow motion shots, then that sped-up thing they do on Cribs. Why hasn’t anyone asked me to do Cribs yet? Am I getting a boner? Boner. Why? What’s going on?

@MeganBoyle

Previously – Future Parts of the Human Body