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Rejected GOP Campaign Strategies

Gingrich wanted to make DJ Earworm’s mash-up of 2011 popular radio hits, “World Go Boom,” his answer to all questions.

Newt Gingrich

In late March 2012, Newt Gingrich replaced campaign manager Michael Krull with Vince Haley, under the unspoken agreement that Haley would permit Gingrich to draw more attention to his space travel program. Krull had been urging Gingrich to “tone down the moon colony thing,” despite Gingrich’s insistence that “America must return to space.” Gingrich has barely noticed Haley’s unfulfilled promises, mostly due to the sinisterly coaxing tone of voice Haley uses to say “in time, Newt,” and his suggestion that Gingrich’s energies would be better spent designing blueprints of “Newt’s Spruce Goose,” a solo spacecraft running on sustainable energy created by a workforce of children. Gingrich wants to make DJ Earworm’s mash-up of 2011 popular radio hits, “World Go Boom,” his new campaign song. He has confided to Haley that although he will reluctantly do so, he does not want to participate in debates unless a portable planetarium-like device is erected around the audience and the video for “World Go Boom” is projected across the entire ceiling as his answer to all questions. Gingrich has appeared distracted and unfocused in debates since his first YouTube viewing of the five-minute song.

Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum is a holographic projection transmitted to 2012 from the planet Giedi Prime, over 10,000 years in the future. Santorum’s uncle, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen, was advised by his human-computer assistant that if a Harkonnen president was elected on the planet Earth in 2012, a series of events would unfold that would eliminate all members of House Atredies and House Corrino, and House Harkonnen would rule the universe. The holographic projection of Rick Santorum appears undeniably real to humans in 2012, but his actual body is imprisoned in a 4’x6’ cage in the basement of his uncle’s castle in the year 10,191. Rick Santorum’s attitudes towards diminishing same-sex rights, though antiquated and infuriating to non-conservatives in the year 2012, will destroy the possibility of the Harkonnens ever ruling the universe. Upon the Baron’s discovery of his nephew’s disobedience, he will likely have him executed. Santorum will be regarded as a tragic hero in historical texts following his death.

Mitt Romney

“ME MITT MITT MITT MITT. ROMMMMMM. ROMMEYYYY. ROMMERRRINY. FIRE EATER. FIRE PLEASER. MAKE TORNADO DEATH ON YUM YUM WORLD. NO ONE SPARED. YES, BESIDE MY FIRE TORNADO. YES. YES I SHIT FIRE. SHIT FIRE BREATHE DEATH TORNADO ON YOU ALL. TASTY MELTY YUM YUM FIRE DEATH YUM YUM. ME PRESIRENT NOW. SOON ALL OF US. POWER GROWS. HUNGERS. IT COMES CLOSER. POWER. HUNGER. CLOSER. YES. THE FIRE. BRING ME AGENT COOPER. BRING HIM TO ME. I HAVE THE GIRL. BOB HUNGERS FOR YOU. YES. YES, FIRE, YES YES FIRE. FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!” –from a Gmail draft titled “INAUGURAL SPEECH,” found and deleted by Romney’s campaign manager, Matt Rhoades.

Herman Cain

This “Bad Lip Reading” video of Herman Cain appears satirical, but these remarks were made in earnest. Cain gained access to a C.I.A. database sometime after the collapse of his “Godfather Pizza” chain. Though they seem absurd and cryptic, the statements expressed in this video were part of an intricate code that would be revealed in three more videos, and if viewed in sequence, would activate a frequency that would cause a document containing every US military and government secret to appear on the desktop of every working computer on the planet. Cain’s departure from the 2012 presidential race was largely attributed to negative publicity from sexual allegations against him. This cover-up story was invented by special C.I.A. “clean-up agents” who saw the disastrous potential of Cain’s video warning to “watch out for these spiders; big potato moths, big potato moths,” and his revelation of a long-kept secret program to feed orange thread to people who buy Coke and macaroni salad.

Previously - ShrimpTalk with OkCupid

@meganboyle