The post-holiday hangover isn't the only thing we're weathering this first week of January. Like clockwork, this time of year also means that the Coachella lineup has dropped. It comes as a welcome distraction for those who are worried about impending World War and also dig big-box music festivals, especially so for Californians with trust funds, A-to-F-list celebrities, and a whole slew of diverse artists with booking agents they probably won't fire this year. We're back with another totally accurate and deadly serious review of every single artist on the bill. Read up and please don't get mad at us. (Or do. We don't care.)
(Sandy) Alex G
Beto O’Rourke pissy pants are optional.
How much money for a second row lineup slot? (A lot.)
88rising’s Double Happiness
In this economy?
Adam's gonna port you to sleep with this set.
Alec Baldwin's alter ego. He plays the saxophone; he wears tracksuits and Kangol hats and Ray-Bans; he, too, is a total asshole.
More like Nah-lie Gatie.
This festival needs Gün Control.
Watch an act without two first names instead.
Amyl and the Sniffers
Probably the only overtly poppers-themed band booked this year.
For the love of God, do not bring out the Black Eyed Peas during your set.
Isn’t Luc Besson cancelled?
Are we sure this isn’t the scammer The Cut wrote about?
If you can’t make her set, watch her on IG Live. It’s better than anything on Disney+.
The opposite of those bands who hate VWLS.
Pretty accurate name.
Necessary attendance for a quebradita break.
Nice people. Good for them.
Where I come from, these are called seagulls.
I’ll bedouin something else during their set.
Big Sean once rapped about smoking weed with Rosa Parks while they both held guns, and managed to make it sound lame as hell. Just a reminder in case you forgot.
Someone stole my college nickname and called their band that. Cool.
Objectively the best Big performing.
Holding out for The Young Pope.
[more dial-up noises]
I have a pair of these. They're dope.
Who keeps asking for this?
We also remember the FIFA 11 soundtrack.
Ño thank you.
Carly Rae Jepsen
Probably on After Christmas sale right now with Fleece Foxes.
This is CBS in most parts of the country.
Most likely to still use XD and :3.
They make one of these on Great British Bake Off?
Playing on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage.
Another vegan DJ but thank god it isn’t Moby.
There's an easy joke to be made here wherein we replace "City" with a poop-related adjective used to describe something bad, but we're not doing it. City Girls rule.
Conan O’Brien DJ set.
Conan O’Brien emo set.
I’VE BECOME SO CRUMB I CAN’T FEEL YOU THERE
Also playing the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage. Fuck, this lineup on the Foos Gone Wild Alternativo Stage slaps.
Not without a legal guardian.
Not even Jesus could raise our hopes for this set.
Better live than on Instagram Live.
If he doesn’t play The Simpsons theme, the people will riot.
Velma was already booked.
All rappers should honestly just have regular ass names. Greg. Phil. Andrew. Let’s just get regular as fuck out here.
Extremely disappointed that this isn’t Schrempf.
Full disclosure: You could just listen to classic house records at home.
What everyone called Richard Nixon behind his back.
If he doesn't play his entire set in a Snuggie I'm walking.
Back at it again with the white dance music.
It's just Ed Sheeran watching Top Gun.
If you wrote this on a math test you’d get like half a point.
This is what happens when you storm Area 51.
Pretty terrible party tbh.
Emotional Oranges: The Best of Blood Orange
What in the 2009 kind of name is this?
Eri_ck_? You only get one, man: C or K. You have to choose.
This is just Animal Collective covering Better Than Ezra's seminal 1996 album Friction Baby in its entirety.
You think it's the funk soul brother guy but it's just my Italian neighbor.
Actually, it’s pronounced fucka twigs.
Hopefully not a hoax like the Shanghai New Year's Eve drone show.
Everyone watch your asses. No ass is safe.
We’ll be seeing “Boys in the Better Band” instead.
$10 says he doesn’t show up lol
Freddie Gibbs & Madlib
Freddie Gibbs once threatened to blow up someone’s mother’s home on Twitter so gonna refrain from joking here.
There are no friendly fires in climate change.
I think we can all magree this set will be trash.
girl in red
lowercase doesn’t automatically make you cooler
Giselle Woo & the Night Owls
More like Giselle BOO amirite
Grizzly Bear's experimental side project, in which Daniel Rossen plays the banjo and Chris Taylor just plays the flute. Absolutely unlistenable.
Why is the billionaire co-founder of Cirque du Soleil here? Who OK’d this?
✧・ﾟ:* ｡◕ ‿ ◕｡ *:・ﾟ✧
If you go to this show you're gonna be hayden what you hear. I am currently hayden myself for making this joke.
Doritos® Sweet Chili Heat
Never fight a man with a 5 p.m. slot at the Gobi tent.
A post new-wave, pre no-wave, proto post-wave, anti-chillwave trashcore nü-metal band. Definitely worth checking out.
More like J.I.Z.
You shouldn’t Payda C this.
Guess who isn’t going to Reyez the roof…
High in antioxidants!
More like Kim PetrASS amirite
King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard
Their new album, King Gizzard & the Lizard Wizard 2: Revenge of Bing Blizzard and the Liver Fizzer is actually pretty good.
Kruder & Dorfmeister
More like Kruder and Dorkmeister.
Kyary Pamyu Pamyu
She’ll fit right in.
“I’m a DJ and my stage name is Kyle Watson” - Kyle Watson.
Kynda not at all excited for this set.
Lana Del Rey
Just a reminder that she’s dating a cop.
Lane ain't gonna make it to this one.
Somehow Bishop Briggs isn’t the artist on this lineup who makes Christian Pop.
Dude was great on Doctor Who.
Lil Nas X
This guy has like six songs. Can’t wait for 45 minutes of Old Town Road on loop.
Lil Uzi Vert
This set is gonna be a real snoozy vert we can tell you that much.
They hand out maps as soon you get to the festival grounds... You’ll be fine, king.
Louis the Child
This isn’t Lewis Capaldi?
I would Luttrelly rather eat a bug than watch this set.
Madeon’t waste your time and energy.
Our review of this band, en español: Mal. Aaaa!!!!!
From the studio that brought you Superbad and Good Boys comes...
Mariah the Scientist
All she wants for Christmas is to achieve human cloning.
Marina’s gems were cut from her stage name.
I'masego watch something else that's actually worth your time.
The nicest thing we can say about this is that it’s B-Team Walk The Moon.
Megan Thee Stallion
After tonight, Coachella gotta rename Coachella to Kneechella!
...kalikimaka is the THING to saaay on a briiight Hawaiian Christmas day...
This is Mika Brezinksi's stage name. Her duet with Joe Scarborough is going to be fire.
Like GoldLink, only he's broke. Can only afford 1/24th of a chain.
By far the best artist from Guernsey on the lineup this year.
NIKI, go lose that number.
Nilüfer Yanya? I barely know her!
This is actually just a meet-up for her book club.
This guy should be sent to go live on the moon.
WHEN YOU CAN'T COME UP WITH A GOOD BAND NAME I GUESS YOU JUST MASH A BUNCH OF CAPITAL LETTERS TOGETHER INCOHERENTLY LIKE SSBJBNDFK.
Fun fact: This is what they call Pac Sun in Spain.
Time to Gou to bed.
Would much rather just watch P!nk silently run on a treadmill for 20 minutes until she started sweating than suffer through this set.
Is there a Prince Nokia?
If this big box festival doesn’t kill them, their punk fans will.
Rage Against the Machine
Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me (see Rage Against The Machine play Coachella).
Ranked a top nine eczema cream on Amazon.
Rex Orange County
Finally the TikTok generation has their own Randy Newman.
If I was a rich Brian, na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na…
Run the Jewels
More like Run the Drools amirite
More like Sahar Zzzzz amirite ha ha ha ha man I love this format
Sampa the Great
Clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose.
At least she looks cool.
My guy definitely has a mistranslated Japanese tattoo.
Seun Kuti & Egypt 80
Whole lot of names that start with an “S” booked this year.
You can smell the farts from their press photo alone.
They named their band in anticipation of this list. We respect the foresight.
A bit shit, innit?
*eats a bean sandwich* oh hell yeah.
You telling me a snail delivered this mail?
Still, somehow, going through the “s” names.
We refuse to slander our queen, sorry.
If we sit through this entire set and the pet monkey doesn’t make one appearance, we riot.
If you rearrange the letters in this band name like an anagram, you get Toilet Tsp., which is what they sound like. A teaspoon of toilet.
If you’re not already Smoko Hive, get on that.
The Comet Is Coming
And I hope it lands directly in the middle of these guys' time slot.
Won’t get fooled again.
The Martinez Brothers
Wild that they’re sitting in the background of that NBA card.
The Murder Capital
It’s actually quite nice this time of year.
They sure are.
Thom Yorke | Tomorrow's Modern Boxes
This is just two hours of Thom Yorke unboxing Apple products and castigating them.
Five bucks says about 40 people show up to this set expecting to see Tyga and wind up super disappointed.
Vowels are not your enemy.
The suburbs been waiting on this one.
So that’s U2’s name now.
People think it's pronounced "ways blood" but it's actually "wise blood," proving Weyes Blood is Nine Trey.
What is this? A Cosmo sex tip list from the 70s?
This is that K-pop band that exclusively covers YG songs right
An 8-year-old SoundCloud rapper whose latest single "FUCK YOU MOM GIMME A FRUIT ROLL UP" just put him in the running for XXL's Freshman Class.
Exactly what Jeff Bezos orders from inside his hyperbaric chamber.
Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.