This week: The mystery Christian arsonists from Essex vs. The mystery parents who got a basketball coach fired.
It's that time of the week where we shame two pussies again!
Cry-Baby #1: The mystery arsonists of Billericay
The incident: A man made a scarecrow.
The appropriate response: If you're a bird, fleeing in terror because you're too stupid to realize it's not a real person. If you're a person, nothing.
The actual response: Some Christians burned it to the ground (probably).
David Finkle (pictured above, human) constructed the completely standard-looking scarecrow (pictured above, scarecrow) at Barleylands Farm Park and Craft Village in Billericay, in order to promote the farm's half-term activities for children.
All was going fine until an outraged mother called into the local newspaper, the Billericay Gazette, to complain. "I think it's incredibly distasteful, and it is making fun of Jesus," said the woman, who refused to give her name. Adding, "I drove past the scarecrow with my daughter, and she said, 'Look, Mommy, there's a man on a cross'—I don't think she should see that. It's an unmistakable crucifix, and it's making a mockery out of my religion."
David—who, remarkably, felt like he had to respond to that avalanche of nonsense—said: "There does seem to be a difference in opinion and one or two people have said to me that they think it looks like a crucifix, but everyone else has been so enthusiastic. He doesn't have hands or feet with nails through them, he's made of baler twine. It took us ages to make his giant patchwork jacket, and he is complete with Raffia hair, which changes in the wind."
Which should have been the end of the (non) story.
But then, a week later, a headline in the Southend Echo SCREAMED, "Barleylands 20ft scarecrow torched by arsonists"!
Not long after the original story had run, somebody went to the farm and set the scarecrow on fire. The fire department was called and managed to get the blaze under control. BUT THEN, after they left, it was set on fire a second time, completely destroying it.
David (pictured above, standing on the remains of his charred friend) said of the incident: “Whoever it was was determined to finish the job. There was nothing left, and the pole it was attached to was blackened. As adults, we are disappointed, but we are resilient. It’s the children I feel sorry for, it’s ruined their fun. It generated some great entertainment, and it’s just a desperate shame something fun and interesting has been vandalized and ruined.”
Obviously there is no solid evidence here to suggest that it was an angry Christian who burned down the scarecrow. But, come on, it just was, wasn't it?
Anyone with information is urged to call Essex police.
Cry-Baby #2: A mystery parent at Weston High School
The incident: A parent was upset at the way his son was being treated by his high school basketball coach.
The appropriate response: Confronting the coach or talking to his boss.
The actual response: The parents hired a private investigator to find dirt on the coach and used it to get him fired.
Mike Hvizdo (pictured above) had been head coach at Weston High School in Weston, Connecticut, for two years. According to reports, a parent at the school was not impressed with the way that Mike was treating his son, so he hired a private investigator to look into Mike's past and see if he could find any dirt.
The PI was able to dig up a short film called Forbidden Fruit that Mike had appeared in ten years ago. The film, which was directed by Jack Black's former assistant, features no nudity, but "contains a naughty word or two." The parent emailed a link to the film (which can no longer be watched online) to the school's administration, and a few days later, Mike was fired.
Mike is currently fighting to get his job back, but as of right now, remains fired. Also, the film that the PI was able to track down is listed on IMDB. So, presumably, the extent of the PI's "investigation" was to google Mike. I hope the parents didn't pay him too much. Also, they should probably learn to use Google. They'll save themselves a fortune.
Which of these faceless cowards is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this little poll thing down here:
Winner: The snow penis guys!!!
Follow Jamie on Twitter: @JLCT