This week: A woman called the police because there weren't enough sprinkles on her ice cream.
It's time, once again, to marvel at some idiots who don't know how to handle the world:
Cry-Baby #1: An Unnamed English Woman
The incident: A woman felt her ice cream cone didn't have enough sprinkles on it.
The appropriate response: Arguing with the guy who applied the sprinkles. Or shutting up.
The actual response: She called the police.
Earlier this week, West Midlands police in England released recordings of several ridiculous calls that have been made to their 999 emergency line.
Among them was a call from a woman complaining about an ice cream she'd just purchased.
The call starts with the unnamed woman explaining, "I'm at an ice cream van, and I've ordered an ice cream... And the person has basically given me an ice cream and he's put bits on one side and none on the other." Most media outlets are assuming that the "bits" she refers to during the call are sprinkles.
"I've asked him, 'Can I have my money back? You can keep the ice cream," she goes on. "And he's refusing to give my money back, saying I've got to take it like that."
The 999 operator who took the call explained to the woman that she definitely should not be calling the police about this. "It's not really a police matter, it's a civil matter," she tells the woman. "You need to speak to the Citizen's Advice Bureau or Trading Standards—his is a 999 life-or-death emergency line."
The Daily Mail reports that West Midlands emergency services have also received calls from a woman reporting a rat in her kitchen, a man who was unhappy with the way a prostitute he'd hired looked, and a man who found a hair in his food at a restaurant.
Cry-Baby #2: The American Family Association
The incident: The US Post Service released a postage stamp to honor Harvey Milk.
The appropriate response: Nothing.
The actual response: The American Family Association urged people to reject mail that has the stamp on it.
Back in April, the US Post Office announced it was launching a new stamp featuring an image of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay person to be elected to public office in California.
In response to this, the American Family Association (AFA) sent out a press release announcing that they are boycotting the stamp.
The AFA is a group that refers to itself as a "non-profit organization that promotes fundamentalist Christian values." Lots of other people, like the Southern Poverty Law Center, refer to it as "an anti-gay hate group."
Whereas, usually, taking part in one of their homophobic boycotts would be as simple as not watching The Ellen DeGeneres Show or refusing to shop in whatever chain store is using a gay couple in their advertising that month, boycotting a stamp becomes complicated because you can't control when one is sent to you.
So to get around that, the AFA are suggesting you reject any mail you get with the tainted, homosexual stamp. "Refuse to accept mail at your home or business if it is postmarked with the Harvey Milk stamp," they wrote on their website. "Simply write 'Return to Sender' on the envelope and tell your postman you won’t accept it."
Their press release goes on to attempt to discredit Milk, whom they refer to as "a very disreputable man [who] used his charm and power to prey on young boys with emotional problems and drug addiction," as well as Nicole Murray-Ramirez, whose letter writing campaign was responsible for the stamp and whom they call "a former transsexual prostitute."
Presumably the boycott will have the same effect as their previous boycotts against companies like Chevrolet, Home Depot, McDonald's, and Radio Shack (i.e., fuck all).
Which of these guys is the bigger cry-baby? Let us know in this poll down here:
Winner: The (alleged) baby attacker!!!
Follow Jamie Lee Curtis Taete on Twitter.