Welcome to Fashionating, a column about scathing fashion truths you may not be ready to hear.
Every day, I see adult women wearing bangs like they’re a normal haircut, and not a symbol of psychic unrest and spiritual chaos. Early in my life, I too had bangs. I also had a mullet. And a rat tail. In fact, I had all three of these hairstyles at once. I was a teenager, so what’s your excuse?
When I was younger, I had always wanted a long middle part, naturally understanding the superiority of a life without bangs. After all, long, bang-free hair is the hair of the sorceress; of Galadriel; Severus Snape; Clarice Starling; and Dana Scully. But as an adult, I did get bangs again—this time to hide my forehead, which protruded heavily thanks to testosterone. At that time, bangs were a survival strategy. My forehead made me miserable—even more miserable than bangs. But the moment I booked my forehead reconstruction surgery, I began growing them out. That process took literal fucking years. Again, what’s your excuse, Taylor Swift?
The problem with bangs is that they’re shorter than all the other hair on your head, framing your face like it’s mounted on the wall. Bangs are the conclusion an eight-year-old would come to if asked to get their hair out of their face. It’s like if you wanted more light in your room, so you cut a hole in the curtain. Then again, if you’re dying to look like that blond kid Angelica from Rugrats, have at it.
This is not to say that the bang cannot be chic. Just think of the whimsical actor Zooey Deschanel, a name nearly synonymous with bangs themselves. Brigitte Bardot looked very sultry with her big bangs. And, of course, it isn’t possible to criticize Naomi Campbell’s eye-grazing bangs. But these are exceptions, not the rule. Bangs very rarely look good on people, and never, ever look as good as long, middle-parted hair.
Still, this eternal question haunts the hair-minded: Should I get bangs? Even though the answer is always no, people keep cutting thick shelves of hair over their eyes and instantly regretting it. I know people who’ve made this mistake multiple times, which I’m fairly certain constitutes some deeper personal issue. You need not ever regret your bangs again if you can simply accept that bangs are not something you should cut into your hair. Which is not to say that you can’t wear them.
Just get a bang wig. This supernatural solution is well known by celebrities. And by me. I recently received a few clip-on bang wigs from The Hair Shop, a really chic place in LA and NYC that sells all kind of attachable hair. I wore my bang wig to work, to a party, on an airplane, and in multiple states. In every instance, that bang hat—I mean wig—gave me everything I could have wanted from bangs, and asked nothing in return. From the moment the bangs clipped onto my head, I knew I had found the solution for a problem that plagues mankind: Bangs are an accessory, not a way of life.